Human Contact
by GreenBeasts
Summary: Gaara's an insomniac. Lee can't sleep because of the pain. A chance meeting online changes the course of both of their lives. AU.
1. Chapter 1

Pale green eyes flickered to the clock at the bottom right hand side of the screen. 2:03 am. His lips tightened slightly and he leaned back, securing his headphones. His fingers drummed on the heated edge of his laptop in counterpoint to the bass. It'd been hours since his last cigarette and the need for nicotine had his nerves frayed raw.

Lee was late. Not that it had anything to do with anything, much less why Gaara was restless or why he hadn't just stepped outside into the chill desert air to look out over the city and blow smoke-clouds into the air. Gaara wasn't waiting for him. It wasn't like they had plans to meet or he actually wanted to talk to him. Lee just happened to sign online at the same time every night, and Gaara didn't like the interruption in the routine. That was all.

The flicker of something approaching relief he felt at the familiar chime only made it worse. He double-clicked on the name and saw that Lee was typing, but it always took time for his messages to come through.

_You're late._

Lee looked at the message on his screen and winced. He straightened his shoulders and resumed typing, doing his best to ignore the sharp throbbing at the base of his spine. He hoped the latest dose of pain medication would kick in soon. He'd debated whether he should come online tonight at all-it was difficult to concentrate through the pain, and when it got like this, he could never tell if he was making any sense-but there was nothing he hated more than just lying around in bed. And even if Gaara never said it outright, Lee had a feeling that the other teen-like himself-had come to expect and rely on these nightly chats.

_I am sorry, Gaara. I was not feeling my best earlier, but I am fine now. I hope you were not waiting too long. How are you?_

Gaara snorted, staring at the message. The apology was expected, though still something he felt odd about. Lee was always polite, even though he knew Gaara wouldn't return it. It was one of the things that bothered him about Lee. Or interested him about Lee. By this point, he wasn't certain which.

_I wasn't waiting._

A tiny smile tugged at the corners of Lee's mouth. Of course, he thought. Gaara would never actually admit that he'd been waiting for Lee to show up.

_I see. _He paused, staring at the screen. For the past few nights he'd been intending to bring this up, but somehow, he kept losing his nerve. Lee took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. If Gai knew he'd been waffling over such a small issue, he'd say something about seizing the moment and the importance of youthful boldness. He was going to say something about it tonight, he resolved.

_We've been talking for almost six months now, haven't we?_

_I haven't been counting._

It was a lie, of course, and they both knew it. Gaara could've told him that it'd been a few days more than six months, but he'd known Lee long enough by now to know that he didn't forget dates. He'd talked about his foster father's birthday and his friends and so many other small details that it made Gaara wonder how it was possible for someone to actually care that much about people. Which meant that Lee was asking for a reason. It wasn't like him to edge around a statement, and that made curiosity flicker.

Gaara leaned back, staring at the screen for a minute. _Why?_

Lee took a deep breath and resumed typing.

_I wondered if you would like to meet sometime. In person, I mean. _When Gaara didn't respond immediately, he sent another message: _We are not really that far away from each other. It would only be a few hours' drive. I am sure I could find a way to come down there._

It wasn't as if Lee didn't have enough free time. These days, it seemed all he did was sit around the house and occasionally go to physical therapy. When Gaara still didn't respond, he sent another message:

_It might be fun to talk to each other face to face. But I do not want to pressure you. If you would rather not, I understand._

It might be fun. Dark-ringed eyes focused on the words, reading over them again, then Gaara deliberately took his headphones off. He set them down on the bed and shifted the laptop over onto the blankets.

_I'm going to go grab a smoke._

The alert immediately came up about Lee typing, but Gaara ignored it. He grabbed a pack of cigarettes off of his nightstand and headed out the door. Smoking outside was one of the few concessions for peace he made with his siblings, simply because it was easier than listening to Temari gripe. The desert air was cold, and if he'd had more care he would've stopped to pull on a coat, but Gaara let it bite at his bare arms and face. He flicked the lighter, drawing in a deep drag through the filter, and let the smoke go in a rush. The tobacco was familiarly bitter on his tongue, and the tingle of nicotine soothed his nerves.

Six months. It'd started at the prompting of his therapist, who insisted that Gaara needed some kind of human contact. Apparently living with his siblings wasn't enough interaction, given that he went out of his way to avoid them, and they returned the favor. She'd suggested the internet as a foil to Gaara's antisocial nature and paranoia. He'd be completely in control of the situation. At times like that, he thought she might actually understand something about him. Then she'd start rambling on about feelings, and he'd be forced to revise his opinion of her.

He'd taken to haunting chatrooms at night. After the first week, he'd been more than ready to give up. People on the internet, he'd decided, were idiots. Even moreso than people in real life.

Then he'd met Lee. It'd been pure chance- they'd been the only ones left in a chatroom at five in the morning. Lee had politely asked if he had trouble sleeping. Gaara had given his usual sarcastic reply, and things had progressed from there. The other teen was annoyingly upbeat and optimistic. After three nights of chatting with him, Gaara had been ready to block him and call the experiment off.

Then he'd found out about the crash, and his view of Lee had changed.

Drunk driver. That's what Lee had told him. He'd been sixteen, and had been blindsided. His left arm and leg were completely shattered, and bone fragments near his spine meant he spent every day in blinding pain. That he managed to walk at all was through pure force of will.

Lee had been careful to not phrase it that way. He'd shown no resentment about the injury, but the details along with Lee's name and that he lived in Konoha had been enough for Gaara. Wary of trusting someone over the internet, he'd looked up news articles online.

Beloved soccer star crippled. Driver walks away unscratched.

After that, Lee's optimism had been a little harder to dismiss. Gaara's late nights were due to insomnia. Lee's were because the pain made it nearly impossible for him to sleep. Gaara was vaguely aware that his cigarette had dwindled down to little more than the filter, but he couldn't remember smoking it.

Lee wanted to meet. Gaara dropped the butt over the balcony railing and stepped back inside.

_No._ He gave the message time to sink in, watching as Lee started and stopped typing three different times, then sighed. _. Download it. I'll talk to you there, but meeting isn't going to happen._

Lee stared at the screen. He'd been prepared for the possibility that Gaara would say no. He was without a doubt one of the most guarded people Lee had ever met. Indeed, it sometimes surprised him that Gaara still wanted to talk to him at all. Still, his chest ached dully with disappointment. Though Gaara revealed very little about himself, Lee had grown increasingly certain of one thing: Gaara needed a friend, whether or not he realized it. It was that need, more than anything, that drew Lee to him.

Then his gaze focused on the newest message. ? He typed it into his browser's address bar and brought up the site-some sort of software for making voice calls, and for video-conferencing, it looked like.

_Okay, _he typed, _I will. Just a moment._ As the program began downloading, he leaned back in his chair-wincing as another lightning bolt of pain ripped down his spine-and chewed his lower lip. He'd never heard Gaara's voice before. He wondered what it would sound like. His heartbeat quickened.

_My username is the same as here. Sandsworn. Call me when you get it installed._ Gaara tugged his headphones back on, anchoring the noise-cancelling foam in place. He absently noted that it was halfway through the album, and flipped Winamp up long enough to stop it playing. Gaara let out a half-breath that was as close as he got to a sigh and tilted his head back, staring up at the ceiling.

He wondered why Lee wanted to meet. He had enough friends in his day-to-day life, even if he carefully tried to cover up how things were different now. What they had here was enough. He could turn it off, if he wanted to. He could close his laptop, or walk away. He could change his screennames and disappear, and Lee would never be able to find him. It made it safe. Meeting wasn't safe.

Lee had never been very proficient with technology. It took some fiddling around to get everything set up. At last, he put on a pair of headphones, adjusted the mike once again, and brought up the program. Chewing his lower lip, he scrolled through the list of names and found Gaara's. He paused, one hand on the mouse, the arrow hovering over his name...then clicked on it. He cleared his throat softly. "Hello? Gaara?"

"Mm." It wasn't what Gaara had expected. Lee's voice was cleaner and lighter than he'd thought it'd be, but somehow, it fit him. He sounded uncertain, but that wasn't unexpected. "Yeah. That's me." There was a touch of amusement to his usual monotone. He let his eyes slip closed and leaned back against the headboard.

His voice was deeper than Lee had expected. It vibrated pleasantly in his eardrums and sent a shiver rippling down his spine. His tongue crept out to moisten his lips, and he tried to think of something to say, but his mind had gone blank. "This is Lee." He winced as the words left his mouth. Gaara already knew it was him, of course. "I have never used something like this before. I hope I am doing it right. Is my volume okay? I mean, do I have it turned up too loud or anything?"

Gaara's lips twitched upward slightly. Suddenly, Lee's habit of stopping in the middle of typing and restarting made sense. He'd thought that the slow responses were only because of his difficulty using his right hand, but apparently Lee was one of those people who fumbled for words when nervous. "You're fine. I can turn it down on my end if needed."

He shifted the laptop over onto the bed, edging the screen almost entirely closed so that the light wouldn't tinge his eyelids red. "So why were you late?"

"Oh...it was nothing, really." Lee paused. He didn't like talking about his injuries-he spent too much time thinking about them as it was-but he supposed he owed Gaara an explanation. "My back was bothering me. For awhile, I could not sit up or move very well. But I took some pain medication, so it is fine now." Well, fine was an exaggeration. "Tolerable" was more like it; the pills took the edge off, so it no longer felt as if shards of hot glass were digging into his spine whenever he moved. But the pain never really went away.

"Hn. Were you overdoing it again?" He'd grown used to Lee's protests about Youth and energy and refusing to let his body get the better of him. From what he knew of the extent of the other teen's injuries, it was pure foolishness. Determination wouldn't make shattered limbs recover, and Lee's 'training' attempts damaged him more often than they helped. "You spent two weeks in the hospital the last time you tried that."

Lee's shoulders tensed. "I cannot just sit around here and expect to recover," he said, frustration creeping into his voice. "If I do not push my body, I will never get stronger. I can beat this if I work hard enough. Gai says so too."

"Gai isn't a doctor." Gaara's tone was dry. "If you hurt yourself it will only take longer to heal." He wondered briefly why he cared if Lee hurt himself or not, but dismissed the thought. "They've already told you what you can and can't do. If you push beyond that, it's no wonder you're in pain."

"Doctors are not always right." Lee had to believe that. Otherwise, he wouldn't be able to go on getting out of bed each day. "They tell me that I will never regain the full use of my limbs, that I won't ever play again. But I am going to prove them wrong. I am going to find some way to get better. I _will_." His voice trembled slightly. He drew in a slow breath, struggling to regain control. "I just have to keep trying."

"Trying won't do any good if you hurt yourself in the process." In contrast to Lee's impassioned tones, Gaara's voice was a calm, flat monotone. He could hear the pain in Lee's voice. Not just the physical pain, which thickened his voice and made it slightly hoarse, but the emotional pain as well.

It was disturbing. He wondered if this had been going too far. It'd been easier to pretend that Lee wasn't real when there hadn't been a voice, but hearing him speak brought the pictures in the paper back into his mind. Not the twisted steel, but Lee's smile, bright and happy after a game, before he'd known anything about what would happen to him. It made him uneasy.

"You do not understand. I _have_ to keep trying. I do not know how else to live." Tears stung Lee's eyes, and he blinked them away. This was why he didn't like to bring up his injury; the pain was always close to the surface, and talking about it was like digging his fingers into an open wound. "If I do not keep trying then I will just...stop, and I won't be able to start again."

Gaara's eyes opened, and he stared into the darkness, letting the words sink in. "You shouldn't talk about it that way. You don't stop. How many times have you told me that you won't give up?" The words would've sounded encouraging from someone else, but Gaara delivered them flat and cold, with a flicker of annoyance underneath the surface.

Lee closed his eyes for a moment. He couldn't blame Gaara for being irritated with him. "Of course," he said quietly, holding his voice steady as best he could. "You are right. I am sorry, I do not mean to complain so much." He shouldn't have brought this up at all. He resolved not to do so again. Talking about it didn't help anything. He settled back in his chair, taking slow, steady breaths. The muscles in his back had tightened, making the pain flare up again. "Why do you not want to meet in person?"

The irritation flared further. "Stop apologizing. You weren't complaining." Gaara's voice was harsh, and he let out a breath in a half-sigh, allowing the change in topic. He thought the question over for a moment, trying to decide how much of his reluctance he should explain. If they'd talked for a shorter period of time, or if Lee hadn't just apologized for being honest with him as if it were a mistake, he'd have brushed it off, but something about the plaintive note in Lee's voice stopped him.

"There's no point to it. You don't live here. I don't live there. We can talk here, but anything else won't be real. And I don't like people. You know that."

"Won't be real?" Lee repeated, confusion creeping into his voice. "I do not understand. Even if we do not live in the same state, we can still visit each other. We can still be friends."

It wasn't the first time Lee had used that word to describe them. If it were, it would've been harder to face, but even with that buffer… "Why do you call me that?"

"What? Friend?" Lee blinked, and his brow furrowed. "That is what we are, is it not? We talk to each other almost every night."

Gaara's expression shuttered over, and his hands tightened into loose fists. His breathing fluctuated momentarily, then he forced it under control. Lee didn't know what he was saying. When he spoke his voice was carefully modulated and controlled, as dry as the desert air, without a hint of the distress he felt. "And that is all it takes for you to call someone a friend."

"Well...it is more than that." Lee paused. Though Gaara's tone was calm, he'd noticed the hitch in his breathing. "We share our thoughts with each other. We understand each other...at least a little. And I like talking to you. Is that not reason enough to call someone a friend?"

Gaara ignored the question, instead focusing on what Lee had said. Except for the use of that word, all of it was true. They did share their thoughts. He still wasn't certain why, but it was better than staring at the walls waiting for morning to come, and he noticed when Lee wasn't there. It itched underneath his skin, the same feeling he got when sitting through class on the days he went, waiting to get out and take that first drag and let the nicotine flow through his body. He wondered if that meant he was addicted to Lee, and why that thought wasn't as alarming as it should be. "What does being a friend mean? That is what it takes for you to call someone a friend, but what does it _mean_?"

Lee hesitated. Such a simple concept, friendship. A thing that most people took for granted. Yet finding the words to explain it was surprisingly difficult. "It means...just being there for someone when they need it. Having a bond with that person. Sharing things. It means that that person means something to you...that you would miss them if they disappeared."

"You would miss me." There was a touch of fascination to Gaara's voice as he slowly repeated the words. It was an interesting feeling. Part of him wanted to deny them, but he knew that Lee was truthful to a fault. "I mean something to you, and you would miss me."

"Yes," Lee said. "I would. Do you..." He fell silent. He wanted to ask Gaara if he felt the same way about him, but the cautious tone in Gaara's voice made him uncertain. Something about the concept of friendship seemed to affect Gaara strongly; Lee didn't want to push him too hard, for fear that he'd pull away or shut down again.

"Do I view you as a friend?" It was easy enough to guess what Lee had been asking, but then, even with the safety of a screen between them and the ability to backspace, he was easy to read. "I talk to you. I share what I am thinking, when I would not with others. I understand you, but at the same time, I understand nothing about you." He paused, staring into the darkness. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet and stark. "I would miss you, if you were gone. By your definition, that means you are my friend."

Lee drew in his breath sharply, and his heartbeat quickened. The pain in his back had receded to a small corner of his awareness; the rest of it was focused on the sound of Gaara's voice, and those words. From anyone else, a declaration of friendship might not have seemed like such a big deal, but Gaara never talked about his feelings. For him to state that he saw Lee as a friend...

"Thank you," he said quietly.

Gaara was silent, but his breath quickened slightly. The faint change in pattern was picked up by the over-sensitive microphone, and there was a scraping noise as it was brushed against. His right hand kneaded his chest against sudden, tight pain. It was a feeling that he hadn't experienced in years. That single word kept echoing in his mind. _Friend_. Lee viewed him as a friend. Lee wanted Gaara to view him in the same way. He was _grateful_ that, by his definition, Gaara did.

"I need to go." The words were sudden, harsh, but Gaara made no move to pull the headset off.

Lee's teeth pressed into his lower lip. He'd noticed the change in Gaara's breathing. "What is it, Gaara?" he asked. "Are you all right? Did I...did I say something I shouldn't have?"

Gaara's fingers twisted in the thin fabric of his shirt, pulling down on it as he struggled to breathe. Stay calm. He needed to stay calm. "You shouldn't call me that."

"You mean...friend?" Lee asked. A pang of confusion lanced through him. Did Gaara just not want him as a friend? But if that was the case why would he have spent so many nights talking to Lee? And anyway, Gaara had just said that they were friends...hadn't he? "Why don't you want me to call you that?"

Gaara didn't respond right away. Lee noticed that his breathing had grown ragged and strained. Alarmed, he sat up straighter, ignoring the flare of pain in his spine. "Gaara, what's wrong? You sound like you're having trouble breathing."

"You need to not call me that," Gaara repeated. His normal monotone cracked, shading into something dark and ugly and stark. "I'm not. I don't have friends. I'm not your friend. You need to not call me that. Everything will be fine if you don't call me that."

This had been a mistake. Too close, Lee was just too _close_, wrapped around him, until there was nothing but the sound of Lee's voice scraping like sandpaper over raw nerves.

Lee gulped, uncertain. Gaara _was _his friend. It felt wrong to deny it. But that voice, brittle and cracking, and that pained breathing...whatever was hurting Gaara right now, he didn't want to make it worse. "All right," he said, his voice low and gentle. "If...if you don't want me to, then I won't say that word. Just relax. All right?"

Gaara nodded at the prompting of that voice. Calm. He needed to stay calm. It took a minute to realize that Lee couldn't see him, and his tongue flicked out to dampen his lips. "Okay." His voice was hoarse as he forced the single word out, and his grip on his shirt loosened.

Lee relaxed a little and let out a soft sigh. He wondered what it was about the concept of friendship that scared Gaara so much. Seconds of silence stretched out into an eternity as his mind groped for another conversation topic-a safer topic. "Gai and I had cheeseburger casserole for dinner tonight," he blurted out...and winced. It was about the silliest thing he could have said, under the circumstances.

For a moment, Gaara couldn't believe he'd actually heard those words- then, slowly, the tension coiled in his chest eased at the sheer absurdity of it. He shook his head. "Was it as bad as his cooking usually is?" he asked, and was relieved to find that his voice almost sounded normal.

"It was not actually that bad. It was just hamburger mushed up with bread and cheese in a casserole pan. With ketchup on top. Though I guess after that taco surprise from last night, anything would taste good." It always made him feel a little guilty, complaining about Gai's cooking. Gai had done so much for him-had practically adopted him, even if they couldn't make it official. It seemed wrong to say anything bad about him. But that taco surprise really had been horrible.

"I don't know how he can mess up food that badly. Even Temari manages to cook." Not that she particularly liked it, but her stubborn insistence that they should at least pretend to be something resembling a family drove her to cook dinner every other night and demand that he and Kankuro eat with her.

"He can even mess up instant food. It is kind of amazing." A tiny smile curved Lee's lips. "Gai is a wonderful person, but I do not think he should ever go near a kitchen." He paused, recalling the mention of Gaara's sister. "What is she like? Temari, I mean. And your brother too. You have never said much about them."

Gaara pulled one knee up against his chest, loosely wrapping his arms around it. "She's Temari," he finally answered. "Fussy. A mother-hen, with a temper. Kankuro spends most of his time at the theater." He only had the vaguest idea of what his brother's passion in life entailed- only that it involved a lot of time on stage and wearing makeup.

"I see." Lee paused. "I do not think I have any siblings. Or if I do, I never found them." He'd been abandoned as a small child; he remembered nothing about his family at all. "Sometimes I like to imagine that I have a brother or a sister somewhere, and that someday, we will meet each other. But even if that never happens, I will be all right. I have Gai now. He is my family."

"Sharing blood with someone doesn't make them family." The words came automatically, and Gaara paused as soon as they left his lips. Knowing that Lee would likely press, he looked away. It was easier to talk the other way, when every word could carefully be controlled. But for all of that, there was something about actually hearing Lee's voice. He couldn't put words to it, or maybe he just didn't want to, but it was enough to keep him from pulling his headset off.

"Maybe not. It helps, I think...to have that connection with someone. But I have always thought the truest bonds were formed through hearts, not blood. I mean, Gai is more a father to me than my biological father. Whoever he was." He paused, listening. Already, he'd discovered that Gaara's breathing was a good indicator of his emotional state, even more than his tone of voice. Now, his breaths were steady and even, but there was a strained quality to them. Was family a sensitive issue for him too, then? Gaara never really said much about his parents, either.

Gaara didn't answer, instead fiddling with the cord to his headphones and staring at his mostly-closed laptop. He knew that Lee cared about Gai, but the idea of a bond like that was still foreign to him. Thinking about it made him feel confused and oddly angry. He wanted to tell Lee to be careful, that Gai couldn't be trusted, but it'd only start an argument. He'd seen before exactly how protective Lee was of his foster father. "Be glad you have him," he said eventually.

"I am. I am very grateful. If not for him I would probably still be bouncing around between foster homes." Lee stopped himself before he could say anymore about that. He remembered the pain of that all too well-finally starting to settle in, to feel like he had a home, only to be uprooted and thrust into the unknown once again-but brooding over the past did no good. He had a wonderful home now. In that, he was more fortunate than many. "I wish you could meet him," Lee said on impulse.

"Hn." It was noncommittal, but Lee's statement was a reminder of his request to meet, and that made Gaara uncomfortable. This entire conversation did. It was too intimate, too _close_, too hard to hide. His eyes slipped closed and he focused on the steady rhythm of Lee's breathing. There was an occasional pained hitch to it, but he couldn't hear it in Lee's voice. It made him wonder just how good Lee had gotten at hiding that he was hurting. "I don't like people," he eventually repeated.

He'd told Lee that before, but it never seemed to sink in. He wondered if Lee realized that he was the person Gaara spent the most time with. That no one had ever come as close as he had; that Gaara told him more than he did his own family, as chary as he often was with words.

"You should give people a chance," Lee said. "They are not all bad. Surely, there must be some who do not bother you. And...you cannot live your whole life alone, after all. That is no way to live." For a moment he wondered if he'd gone too far. Gaara generally didn't take well to being told what he could or couldn't do...but then, it was only the truth. Everyone needed other people sometimes, whether they admitted it or not.

"Yes, I can," Gaara answered. "I don't need people." After a pause, he slowly, deliberately stated, "I don't need you." Gaara knew that it was as much to convince himself as Lee. If he didn't need him, they wouldn't be having this conversation. He'd have unplugged his headset back when Lee had started talking about friendship, instead of letting him push further. But then, pushing was what Lee seemed to do best. Gaara still hadn't decided why he allowed it.

Those words hurt more than they should have. But even knowing Gaara was just saying them to be...well, to be _Gaara, _Lee felt a small, sharp twinge in his chest. Gaara was pushing him away. Maybe he ought to back off before he shut down entirely. But he couldn't just leave this alone. "I did not mean any offense," he said quietly, firmly, "but I find it difficult to believe that you truly do not need or want anyone. Are you really happy, being alone?"

"I don't need anyone." There was a ragged edge to Gaara's voice. "I don't. You're wrong." He tried to take solace in the words, and his fingers moved to the tattoo he'd gotten on his sixteenth birthday, lingering over the kanji. The skin was smooth beneath his fingers, but he knew it was there. Love. He loved himself, and he didn't need anyone else. "People don't make you happy." Then, quietly- "You trust too much."

"Maybe I do. But it is better than never trusting anyone. To live without trust, without those bonds...it is painful. After the accident..." His throat knotted up, and he blinked back tears, but plunged ahead. "The first few weeks after that happened...it was a bad time. I would not have made it through that time if Gai had not been there with me, by my side, through all of it. Before him, I never stayed in one place long enough to form any meaningful bonds with anyone. I know what it is like to be all alone. No one should have to live like that."

"What if he left?" The question slipped past Gaara's lips without his permission, but it was the slow-building anger he felt over Lee's words that made him press on. "What if Gai left you? What if he abandoned you? What if he had never cared at all, and only told you he did so that he could hurt you that much more? Do you even realize how much he could hurt you? How much _I_ could hurt you?" His voice was raw, each question spoken more quickly than the last until his tongue was tripping over the syllables, but Gaara couldn't stop them. It was too close and he needed to stop thinking about it, to not think about Yashamaru, they needed to _stop talking_ and Lee needed to go away.

"Gaara..." Lee fell silent, eyes wide at the pain in that voice. Until now, Gaara had spoken in a flat monotone. Now he sounded like a wounded creature; his voice was raw, rough, bleeding.

Again, a little voice in Lee's mind urged him to stop and back off. But he'd never been good at listening to that little voice. "Yes, you could hurt me," he said quietly. "Every time you open your heart to someone, you risk getting hurt. But if I never took that chance, if I never made the decision to trust someone, I would never have any happiness, either. I would never have found him...or you." He paused...then spoke very softly. "I am glad I found you."

"Don't say things like that," Gaara whispered. "Stop saying things like that." He slipped the headphones off, letting them fall onto the bed. He could hear Lee's voice through them, small and quiet, but he couldn't make out the words. He didn't want to make out the words. His fingers fumbled, pushing the screen of his laptop up just enough to slide between it and the keyboard, and he held the power button down.

To be continued


	2. Chapter 2

"Gaara? Gaara, are you still there? Please say something. I am sorry, I should not have..." Lee trailed off, and his chest tightened. Gaara was gone. Lee had pushed him too far. He took his headphones off; they slipped from his numb fingers and fell to the desk.

Tears blurred his vision, and he rubbed one sleeve across his eyes. He wondered if he'd ever have a chance to speak to Gaara again, or if he'd lost Gaara's fragile trust for good.

He closed his eyes and slumped in the chair. His lower back throbbed and burned. He started to reach for his bottle of pain pills, then stopped. The pills fogged his mind and made him drowsy. He wanted to stay awake awhile longer in case Gaara came back online. Just in case.

* * *

Lee picked at his fish-sticks-one of the few things, fortunately, that Gai couldn't screw up. But tonight Lee didn't have much of an appetite. After a few minutes of nibbling in silence, he looked up. "Gai?" His foster father paused with a fork halfway to his mouth and looked across the kitchen table at him. Lee fiddled with his spoon. "What do you do when a friend is mad at you? How do you make it better?"

Gai set his fork down on his plate, looking at Lee. The dark circles underneath his eyes were worse than they usually were, and the small, twitchy movements of his hands were a familiar sign of nervousness. Gai thought the question over, carefully choosing his words. "It depends on what happened," he answered finally, "And what type of person the friend is. But the first and most important thing, if you've done something to upset a friend, is to apologize."

"I did. Or I tried, anyway." Lee stared down at his plate. "But now he will not talk to me at all. And I do not know how to get in touch with him. I guess there is nothing I can do until he contacts me again...if he ever does." Then he shook his head, dismissing the doubt. "He will, I am sure. I just have to be patient." He looked up at the concerned, puzzled expression on Gai's face and forced a smile. "I am sorry, I do not mean to be like this. I am fine, really."

"Lee…" Gai reached across the table, covering his foster son's hand with his own, and squeezed gently. "I know that you're hurting. You don't have to pretend you're not." He paused for a moment, looking into Lee's dark eyes. They were always so earnest, giving away his emotions even when he tried to hide them behind a smile, and the uncertainty he saw there made Gai's heart ache. "Is this about the boy you've been talking to at night?"

Lee nodded. "Gaara." He paused. "I think I hurt him. I kept talking to him about things he did not want to talk about. And now he has not spoken to me for a week. I feel terrible. Like I have done something very bad. Like he will not trust me anymore now, and it is my fault."

Gai squeezed Lee's fingers again, comforting through touch. He knew that it helped; when Lee had first come to live with him, he'd seemed so desperate for even the smallest contact or praise. He was stronger, now, more independent. But then there'd been the injury… and even though they both kept up strong, determined faces about it, he knew it bothered Lee. He'd been relieved when Lee had found someone to talk to at night, something to focus on other than his own pain. "If he cares about you as much as you care about him, then he'll come back. I don't know what happened, but I know that you meant well, Lee."

Lee smiled, and the ache in his chest eased a little. "Thank you," he said quietly. Gai could always make him feel better with just a word or a touch...and that warm, reassuring smile seemed to promise that somehow, everything would be all right. Still, a knot of tension and worry remained lodged deep inside him. He wished he at least knew if Gaara was all right. If Gaara despised him and never wanted to talk to him again, he could accept that, if only he knew that Gaara would be all right. But he kept remembering the pain in that voice, the fear, the ragged breathing. He found himself wanting to be in that moment again so he could do things differently; so he could soothe away that pain, find the words to calm Gaara's troubled soul. But Lee had never been good with words. That, more than anything, was why he wanted to meet Gaara. So he could do more than talk to him. So he could look into his eyes, hold him, feel that rapid breathing slow.

Gai smiled. "You're welcome, Lee." He let go of Lee's hand, but his gaze still lingered on Lee's face. "Sometimes, it can help to talk about it," he said quietly. "I won't press you for details, but if you want to talk about it, I am here."

Lee hesitated. "It is just...Gaara is all alone," he said. "At least, that is what it seems like. He keeps saying that he does not need anyone. But I think he is just scared. I think something horrible happened to him. I want to show him that not everyone is out to hurt him. But it seems like whenever I start getting closer, he starts pulling away."

"Sometimes, the best way to show someone something like that is by just being there." Gai fell quiet for a moment, glancing down, then a somewhat wry smile tugged at his lips. "You've met my sparring partner. From what you've told me about this Gaara, I think they might be similar. It took years for Kakashi to actually admit that we were rivals, much less friends. At first I didn't know what to do, so I charged forward with youthful determination to overcome his barriers." His smile turned a bit rueful. "That didn't work too well. I had to find a balance between letting him be the one to come to me, and pushing enough to keep him from closing off."

"But how do you find that balance?" Lee asked. "How do you know how far to go, and how far is too far?"

"By making mistakes, and learning from them," Gai answered. "He will talk to you again. I'm certain of it. And now, going forward, you will know that what happened was pushing too much." He paused. "If he is all alone, and you're right about something bad happening, then it makes sense that he would be withdrawn. I think that you are doing a good thing by trying to be his friend."

The tension eased out of Lee's shoulders. "I am glad," he said quietly and smiled...a more genuine smile this time.

He finished off his dinner, washed his plate, and said, "I think I am going to go check and see if he is online. Just in case." Of course, it was earlier than their usual time, so it was unlikely that Gaara would be on yet, even if he _had _decided to start talking to Lee again. But still, Lee wanted to be there. He would wait for Gaara...as long as necessary.

* * *

It'd been a week and a half since the last time they'd spoken. Not that Gaara had been counting, or that he'd noticed Lee wasn't there. Or rather, that he wasn't there. He didn't know if Lee was there or not, and it didn't matter anyway. Gaara's lips tightened into a thin line and he dropped his fourth cigarette butt in a row off the balcony, then tapped another out of the pack without bothering to check where the butt had fallen. He struck the lighter and sucked in, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. The nicotine only took the edge off.

If Lee just hadn't said those things, then everything would be fine. He could've handled Lee looking at him as a friend. Lee thought of everyone as friends. Gaara was fairly certain that the squirrel Lee had babbled excitedly about the night before that conversation counted as one of Lee's friends. It wasn't a big deal.

_I am glad I found you._

Gaara let out a frustrated sigh, fingers tightening on the cigarette until it broke. He dropped it on the balcony, and- before he could change his mind- headed inside. It took too long for his laptop to boot up. Lee wasn't even necessarily there. It was four in the morning, long past when he usually showed up. If Lee had been waiting for him.

But when he signed on, Gaara saw the familiar username there. He stared at it for a moment, then sat back to wait.

When Lee saw Gaara's username pop up on the screen, his breath caught and his heart stuttered. For a moment, he couldn't move. He just stared, half-convinced that he was seeing things, that the name would vanish at any moment. Then-with shaking fingers-he began to type.

_Hello, Gaara. How are you? _He thought about typing _I've missed you, _but decided against it, even though it was true and he was burning with the desire to say it. Because saying things like that was what had gotten him in trouble in the first place. Because for some reason, Gaara was frightened by the idea that someone cared about him. So Lee took a deep breath, sat back, and waited for a response.

Gaara leaned back, just looking at the message for a moment. He thought about replying, looking at the white box void of text, then let his fingers rest against the slick keys.

_You're up late._

_So are you. _Lee hesitated, chewing his lower lip, wondering what he should say-or type, rather-what the right words were. And in an instant he knew he was going to say it, even though he'd decided not to. _I missed you. For awhile I was worried that you would not come back. I am sorry if I said things that upset you before._

_You said you would._ It was the only part of Lee's statement that Gaara bothered replying to, and he felt a mix of frustration and something he couldn't put his finger on. Something soothing, that eased the ache where nothing else had. That only made the frustration increase. Gaara's lips twitched. _Have you been waiting for me?_ It seemed like just the kind of thing Lee would do.

_Yes._ He hesitated another moment, then typed, _Since 9:00 this evening._

Gaara had expected that answer. The same mixture of satisfaction and frustration flared. For a moment he considered signing off. It'd be easy enough to do; all he had to do was click twice and it'd be done. No more strange feelings, no more of Lee pushing too much, no more naïve stubbornness and declarations of friendship.

But Lee had missed him. Waited for him, far earlier than their normal time, and far later, too. If he left now, he wondered, how many nights would Lee spend in front of a computer screen before he finally gave up? _It's not good for your back to sit up for so long_, he replied finally.

At those words, warmth suffused Lee's chest. It was an admission of concern-an indirect one, of course, but Gaara never spoke about his feelings, so even that was unusual for him.

_I am fine, really. I took breaks to stretch or lie down when I needed it. But I wanted to make sure I was here if you came online. Do you want to talk on Skype again?_

For a moment he wondered if he'd pushed too far, if Gaara was really ready for that yet...but Lee had been aching to hear his voice.

_Fine_. It was an impulsive answer more than anything, and Gaara pulled his headset into place. He brought Skype up and double-clicked on Lee's username before he could respond on IM, and when the feed went live, smoothly cut off any greetings. "If your cord is long enough, go lie down." Where the statement could have sounded caring from another person, Gaara delivered it in a harsh, flat monotone.

"Okay." Lee fumbled with his microphone and headphone cords, grabbed his crutch and slowly made his way over to the bed, wincing with every step. Despite what he'd told Gaara, sitting upright for hours had taken its toll on him; pain shot up his spine and cramped his muscles, and his breathing grew ragged and heavy. He stretched out on the bed, on his back, and closed his eyes, the headphones still covering his ears. "I am lying down now."

Gaara exhaled a low, slightly toned breath- as close as he got to an annoyed sigh. It was easier to be annoyed by Lee than to focus on why the pain in his voice made him feel irritated in the first place. "You shouldn't do stupid things like that."

"I cannot help it." Lee smiled slightly. He was beginning to understand that irritation was Gaara's version of concern. And anyway, hearing annoyance in his voice was better than hearing no emotion at all. His back spasmed again, and he choked back a cry. "Let me just...catch my breath." He waited a moment for the pain to subside-or rather, to become a bit more tolerable-and said, "So what have you been doing this week? How have you been?"

Though he knew the gesture wouldn't be seen, Gaara shrugged. "Not much." It was common for him to be chary with details, preferring instead to let Lee ramble on and reply to his statements. But that wasn't as much of an option when Lee was in as much pain as he was. Gaara looked out the window, fingertips idly resting on the edge of his laptop. "I saw my therapist again today." He paused. "She asked about you. I told her we weren't talking. She asked why."

Lee's eyes widened slightly. Gaara had mentioned his therapist once or twice before, but he'd never said why he went to one or what went on during their sessions. And of course, Lee hadn't asked, since it was none of his business. It had never occurred to Lee that Gaara might talk about _him _at all. Though he considered Gaara a friend, he wasn't at all sure that Gaara felt the same way about him...or that he thought about him much at all. He knew he probably shouldn't ask, but the question slipped out before he could stop it: "And what did you say?"

"I didn't answer her." He was quiet for a long time. "She said the same things you did. About needing people, and being alone not being enough. Not being good enough."

"And what do you think about that?" Lee asked quietly. "Do you still feel the same way? I mean...the same as you did last time we spoke? Or..." He bit his lower lip.

There was a slight scrape of cloth against the microphone as Gaara shifted on the bed, knees drawing up against his chest. "I don't need you," he answered. "I don't." He spoke quietly, without the pain those words had been uttered with in their prior conversation, but a hint of uncertainty lurked beneath them. "You're not my friend, and I don't need you."

Disappointment ached in Lee's chest. But even so...Gaara had talked about Lee with his therapist. Didn't that mean he thought about him sometimes? He had come back online to talk to Lee. Didn't that fact mean something, too?

"Even so," Lee said, "I want to be here for you." He paused, thinking. He should probably change the subject. If they pursued this conversation any further he'd end up scaring Gaara off again. Maybe now was a good time to tell him the news. "There is a famous surgeon who just opened up a practice nearby. Dr. Tsunade. She is very expensive, and it is difficult to get an appointment, but...Gai says if I go to her, she will take a look at my back, and if she agrees to perform a surgery on me, I may be able to walk without a crutch again. I may be able to play again." He was trying not to get his hopes up. There were too many ifs. _If _he could get an appointment, _if _they could afford the surgery. But still, it was the first true ray of hope Lee had had since the accident.

Gaara went still, listening to the words. Despite Lee's obvious attempts to keep his voice level, he could hear the hope beneath it. Thin and fragile, but there. Unnamed emotions surged in Gaara's chest, and his breath fell short and shallow. "Are you going to try and see her?" he asked, despite knowing the answer. Of course he would. Lee would do anything to get better.

"Yes," Lee said. "I want to be whole again. I want it more than anything." His throat thickened, and his voice caught. He swallowed and closed his eyes. "I want to be free of this pain. But...I am afraid to hope. Afraid it will be taken away. I...no, I should not think like that. I must believe that she will take me as a patient and that she will fix me. I _do _believe that."

Gaara was silent for a long time, thinking about those words and the desperation in Lee's voice- the pained hitch to his breathing, the way he'd nearly been incapable of something as simple as walking to his bed- and the knowledge that Lee's current pain was born out of worry for him. Emotions swirled and mixed in his chest. He felt angry, almost betrayed, at the idea of Lee being better.

Lee had said that he wanted to be there for Gaara, but that wouldn't happen if he was better. There'd be no more need for late-night conversations. Lee would return back to his normal, happy life. Gaara remembered the photograph, and Lee's bright smile. "What happens after the surgery?" he asked, a touch of hoarseness to his voice.

"What happens after?" Lee repeated, puzzled by the rough note in Gaara's voice. "Well...there will probably be a recovery period. And then, hopefully, I will be back to normal. Back to the way I was. I will be able to play soccer and go to school again."

Gaara stared with blank eyes out the window, pupils contracting slightly in reaction as the first faint tinge of false dawn lightened the sky. He could stop it. He knew that he could. All it would take was a single phonecall, and the sliver of hope would be cut off. He wondered how Lee would react, if he knew Gaara was considering that. If he'd still call him his friend, knowing exactly how selfish he was. "You want that," he said quietly, more to himself than to Lee.

"Yes," Lee repeated, confused. He hadn't expected Gaara to be jumping for joy at the news, but he had thought...well, he didn't know what. But he hadn't expected this. Gaara seemed almost disturbed. Why? "Is...is anything wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong," Gaara replied, an edge of harshness to his normal monotone. Pale green eyes flickered over to his laptop. The screen had long ago gone dark. The frustrated tension in his chest mounted with every second of silence that ticked by. He hated that Lee could make him feel this way; he hated that Lee could make him feel at all. "I should go."

"Gaara, please don't," Lee blurted out. His chest tightened, and his breathing quickened. He'd waited for so long to talk to Gaara. What if he disappeared again? He couldn't bear that-waiting, wondering if his friend would ever come back. "Please...stay and talk to me a little longer?"

Gaara was silent for a long minute. He wanted to leave, but something about the pleading note in Lee's voice stopped him. He should go, he told himself. It'd be easiest. Cut the feed now. Make the call in the morning to get him in the door. Then Lee would be better. He'd be normal, and he'd have no more need for Gaara, no desire to invade his life. But he was too selfish for that.

"I want you." The words were harsh, dragged out of him, coarse and ugly. "I don't need you. But I want you."

Lee's eyes widened, and his heartbeat sped. The words sent a jolt of electricity through him. _I want you. _He gulped, his pulse drumming just below his jaw. Could Gaara possibly mean that the way it sounded? No. No, and Lee was wrong for even thinking such a thing. Gaara meant...he wanted Lee as a friend. Yes. Of course. "I want you too. I mean..." He paused, biting his lower lip, his face flushing hotly. "I want to be..." No, he wasn't supposed to use the word _friend _around Gaara. "I want to keep talking to you. I want...to be a part of your life."

"You won't," Gaara answered. The starkness was still present in his voice, hollow and raw. "You do now, but you won't."

Lee's mouth had gone dry, and his chest was so tight it was getting hard to draw a full breath. He had hurt Gaara again. He didn't understand how, but he could hear the pain in that voice. "What are you talking about, Gaara? I do not understand."

"You're going to leave. You'll get the surgery, and everything will be normal again, and you'll leave," Gaara said slowly. His fingers tightened on the loose fabric of his pants, twisting it between them. "Why do I care?" The question was soft, barely a whisper, and wouldn't have been caught if the microphone wasn't nearly touching his lips.

"Leave? You think...Gaara, no! I will still be your friend after the surgery." He winced as the word left his lips, remembering at the last moment that he'd promised not to say that word anymore...but he plunged ahead. "Nothing has to change between us. We can still talk together like this. Every night, if you like. I promise nothing will change."

He listened to the words, hearing the worry in Lee's voice, but they didn't touch the knot coiled tightly in his chest. "I don't believe you," he whispered. "You'll leave. Just like he did, you'll leave and- don't lie to me, stop _lying_ to me, stop saying things you don't mean." His voice grew steadily louder, panic lacing the words, and his breath came in shallow, ragged pants.

Tears stung Lee's eyes. He gripped the pillow tightly, wishing he knew what to do. "I'm not lying to you. I care about you. I want to help you, and I want to keep on being your friend, no matter what happens, and I am not going to disappear." Gaara's words echoed in his mind-_You'll leave, just like he did. _"Gaara, who...who were you talking about? Who is 'he?'"

At that question, Gaara froze. For a moment, he stopped breathing. He hadn't spoken about Yashamaru since… he'd never spoken about him. They'd asked, over and over again, question after question, but he'd never said a word. "No one," he replied. "He's no one. I didn't say anything. Forget it."

"Gaara..." Lee fell silent, biting his lower lip. He knew better than to push. "All right," he said softly. "All right, I will not mention it again. Just...everything is fine. Okay? Do not worry. I do not even know if I will be able to get in to see Dr. Tsunade, but even if I do, even if I get the surgery, nothing is going to change. I can continue to stay up late even if I start school again. I can take naps during the afternoons if I need to. You will not even notice a difference. We will keep doing what we have always done." He paused. "Please believe me, Gaara."

"I don't need you," Gaara said, a touch of desperation in his voice, and in that moment, he knew that it was a lie. Lee had gotten too close. He'd gotten underneath Gaara's barriers without Gaara even noticing, slipping in through the guise of safety and control, and now he was too deep in and Gaara _couldn't_ push him away, as desperately as he wanted to. "I _can't_."

"Please do not be afraid, Gaara," Lee said, keeping his voice low and gentle. "I will not hurt you. I promise. It is all right to need someone. It does not always end in pain. Everything is all right." He wished he was there by Gaara's side right now, wished he could touch him, hug him. But then, maybe that would just frighten him more.

"I'm not afraid," Gaara answered, defensive. He felt raw, unsettled, and vulnerable, and he hated the fact that Lee's quiet voice soothed his frayed nerves. "And I don't need you. I want you. That's all."

"I understand," Lee said. "And I will stay with you. I promise." He listened to Gaara's ragged breathing. It had slowed a little. "I am here, Gaara," he murmured gently. "Here to stay."

Lee didn't mean that. He couldn't mean that, and Gaara couldn't believe him. It was dangerous to believe him. Lee could hurt him. Somewhere along the way he'd given Lee the power to hurt him, and Gaara still couldn't possibly explain why. For a moment, Gaara felt like he was hovering on a precipice. Then- knowing Lee couldn't see him- he slowly nodded. "Okay," he said.

That single word felt like sealing his fate, but Gaara knew that it wasn't. Lee wouldn't stay. Not really. But he could believe that right now, Lee believed he'd stay. It'd change, after the surgery. When he had his friends again, his life again, and he'd no longer need Gaara. But for now, Lee believed that he'd stay, and Gaara selfishly wished that he cared little enough about Lee to be able to make that call and force him to stay by his side.

Lee exhaled a soft breath of relief. For a moment, he just listened to the steady rhythm of Gaara's breathing. Then he moistened dry lips with the tip of his tongue, staring at his ceiling, and said, "You know, I had a dream about you a few nights ago. I guess that is strange. I mean, I do not even know what you look like. We were just talking together like this. In the dream, I mean."

Gaara's smooth brow drew together slightly. "You don't." It was a statement, not a question, but it was an odd feeling, knowing that Lee had no idea what he looked like. More than the dream, that was what he focused on. "How can you care about someone when you do not even know what they look like?"

"When you truly care about someone, it is the person inside that matters, not the way that person looks. Even if I have never seen your face, I have talked to you for so many nights. I feel like I know you well." He paused. "I hope that does not sound presumptuous. But I _do _feel that way."

Gaara was silent for a long time, letting those words sink in. Sometimes, he thought, it'd be so easy to slip into what Lee offered. So natural. "What happened in the dream?"

"There was not much to it. This was when we had not spoken for awhile, and I guess I was thinking of you when I went to sleep. But I dreamed I woke up and came online and you were there, waiting. And I felt very happy and relieved."

"You were happy," Gaara repeated. He looked over at his laptop, letting those words repeat in his mind. Before he could change his mind, he flipped the light on and pushed the screen open. "Turn your monitor back on."

Lee's breath caught in his throat, and his eyes widened slightly. He nodded, forgetting momentarily that Gaara couldn't see him. "Okay. Hold on..." He rose, flinching at the sharp twinge of pain in his back, and tucked his crutch under one arm. Slowly, he hobbled over to the computer and switched on the monitor.

Gaara pulled his laptop back onto his lap. It was too warm from sitting on the bed, and he angled the screen so that the built-in lens was roughly pointed at his face before clicking the webcam on. The picture was slightly grainy and yellow-tinged from the light, and his dark-accustomed pupils were contracted into thin pinpoints, making the queer green shade of his eyes stand out all the more. He stared into the camera for five seconds, then cut the video feed. "There."

Lee's heart pounded. He'd only gotten a brief glimpse of Gaara, but still, the image had been seared into his mind. Red hair. Pale, smooth, flawless skin. And those startling eyes, a shade between green and blue, ringed by dark flesh that brought out their color vividly. _He's beautiful. _The thought brought a flush to his cheeks and made him fidget in his chair. Was it strange to think such things about another boy?

There had been a tattoo on his forehead, he recalled-a kanji. Lee only recognized a few kanji, but that was one of them. "Love?" he said softly.

Gaara felt a flicker of surprise that it'd been recognized. "Yes." Knowing that if he didn't elaborate, Lee would just question more, he let out a slow breath. "I got it on my sixteenth birthday. It's a reminder."

"A reminder of what?" Lee asked softly. He wasn't sure if Gaara would answer, but he had to ask.

For a moment, he almost didn't answer, but if anyone needed to know what the kanji meant, it was Lee. "To love only myself. To live only for myself," Gaara replied. His voice was flat and emotionless, and his fingers touched against the mark.

"I see," Lee said. Maybe he should have guessed. A part of him wanted to ask more, but he supposed he shouldn't push his luck. He stared at the screen for a moment, then switched on the webcam and smiled into it nervously. "I have never really tried this before. Can you see me?"

He should've expected it, knowing Lee, but it was still a surprise when the video feed turned on. In Lee's dark room, with only really the light from the monitor, he could more see outlines than anything. Lee looked more than a bit uncertain. "I can," Gaara said. He leaned back, studying the picture. "Your hair still looks stupid," he commented.

Lee frowned. "There is nothing wrong with my hair," he protested. "Gai has the same haircut." Even as he spoke, his stomach fluttered. It was strange, knowing that Gaara could see him, yet being unable to see Gaara. He paused. "Wait...still? When did you see me before?"

"Mm. There was a picture in the paper," Gaara explained. He watched Lee's face, noticing how the changes in expression lagged bit behind his words, so that for a second Lee looked curious before the surprise set in. "I checked when you mentioned the wreck."

"Oh. I see." Lee started to chew his lower lip, then stopped himself, remembering that Gaara could see him. He'd never imagined that Gaara might have looked up information on him. The thought awakened another flutter in his stomach. "I did not realize. That it was in the papers, I mean."

Gaara leaned back against his headboard. It was interesting to see Lee's face, but he gave away enough in his voice that it wasn't really necessary to watch him. Still, it was a strange feeling. It made it all seem more real, somehow. "News about the wreck was, but the pictures were actually from a writeup on one of your games."

"Oh." A memory flashed through Lee's mind; cloudless skies, warm sun, the pleasurable burn of exertion in his muscles as he ran, the satisfying smack of his foot hitting the ball. "It seems like so long ago, now," Lee said quietly, "everything before the accident. When I remember it...at times, it is like remembering something that happened to another person."

"Mm." Gaara closed his eyes and tilted his head back. Lee didn't talk about the injury often, usually keeping a careful barrier in place. He supposed it was the news about Tsunade, more than anything, that had him thinking about it now. There was something soothing about the sound and rhythm of Lee's voice, and when he fell silent, Gaara let out a slow breath. "Keep talking."

Lee blinked in surprise. "Okay." He paused, wondering what he should talk about. He didn't want to keep going on about the injury; complaining and self-pity did not help anything, as he firmly told himself day after day. "I liked being able to see you," he said at last. "Your face, I mean. Can I see you again?"

Gaara cracked an eye open and glanced at the screen. Lee looked a bit nervous, and he wondered at the request. "Why?"

"Well...it just feels better, being able to look at the person I am talking to. When I can see you, it feels like I am closer to you. But if you do not want me to see you, that is okay too," he added quickly. "I do not want to make you uncomfortable."

It was strange, Gaara thought, how Lee could be polite and almost shy and at the same time push. He considered the request, mulling it over in his mind. He didn't particularly care if Lee saw him or not, as long as he was the one in control of it. He exhaled, slightly toned with annoyance, and clicked the feed back on. As soon as he was certain it was running, he closed his eyes again and tilted his head back. "Just don't get used to it."

"Okay." As Lee's gaze traced the smooth curve of that pale throat, his heartbeat quickened. The contrast of blood-red hair made that flawless skin all the more striking. Gaara really _was_ beautiful. Lee wondered if that skin was as soft as it looked, and his cheeks grew warm. He was glad for the dim lighting.

Maybe asking to see Gaara again hadn't been a good idea. Lee's mind had emptied out; it seemed he couldn't do anything but stare stupidly at that face. "Your hair..." He wet his lips, self-conscious. "I have never seen hair that red." He wondered for a moment if Gaara dyed it, but he doubted that. Gaara avoided interacting with people whenever possible; he wouldn't do anything to deliberately attract attention to himself.

The statement was so ridiculous that Gaara had to open his eyes and stare at the screen for a moment, his half-glare clearly stating that he was trying to rest. "You haven't," he repeated dryly. He wondered why it mattered, or why Lee had mentioned it. Gaara shrugged. "It's red. That's all."

Lee's blush grew hotter. He wondered if Gaara was even aware of how attractive he was. Surely, other people must have told him so...but then, Gaara avoided people. How would he react if Lee told him? Why was he even thinking these things? Lee liked girls. Specifically, he liked Sakura, the pretty, pink-haired cheerleader...though she mostly ignored his countless bouquets and promises of undying love.

But the truth was, Lee hadn't thought much about Sakura since he met Gaara. He wondered why.

"This may sound strange, but you are really very beautiful."

Oh God. Had he really just said that?

Gaara stared. "Beautiful," he repeated blankly. The flush to Lee's cheeks increased, and Gaara's hairless brow rose. "Lee, did you take too many pain killers?" It was the only explanation that made sense.

"No. I am perfectly clear-headed," Lee repeated, a bit indignantly. He supposed he should be grateful that Gaara hadn't shut off the connection right then and there. "I just..." He fidgeted in his chair. "It is just an observation. That is all."

"An observation. That you think I'm beautiful." Disbelief was clear in Gaara's voice, and he stared at Lee. "Is that why you asked me to turn the video back on?"

"Well...not exactly. I mean...maybe that was part of the reason. A little part. But it is true that I just like to see the person I am talking to, as well." Lee winced at the idiotic mass of words that had just spilled from his own mouth. "I am sorry. I should not have said anything about it. I do not want you to get the wrong idea."

A little part. Gaara watched the changes in Lee's expression, trying to take what Lee had just said and fit it into the context of their relationship. Lee liked looking at him, and as soon as he'd turned the camera back on, he'd started stammering and tripping over words like a schoolboy. That, combined with the mention of getting the wrong idea… "So you're gay?"

"N-no! That is not it." Lee gulped and waved his hands frantically at the screen. "I like Sakura. You remember me talking about her, right? The girl with the pink hair?" He was pretty sure he'd mentioned her to Gaara, anyway. Once or twice. "A boy can notice that another boy is good-looking, even if he is not into boys that way. I mean, anyone can see that you are attractive."

Gaara's expression- what there was of it- was faintly skeptical. The name sounded somewhat familiar, but only vaguely, and he felt a flash of irritation. "So you're not gay." Gaara shook his head, then clicked the video off. Maybe Lee would start being able to complete a sentence again if they weren't looking at each other. "Lee, I think you've been awake for too long."

When Gaara's image disappeared, Lee felt a pang of disappointment. But he couldn't really blame him. Gaara was probably uncomfortable with being looked at now, knowing how Lee saw him. "Maybe you are right," he murmured. He closed his aching eyes and rubbed them. He hadn't slept well last night...or the night before. But then, these days, getting a full night's sleep was a rare occurence. "I am sorry. Perhaps I should go to bed. Will...will you be online again tomorrow?"

Gaara almost responded 'no', but the uncertainty in Lee's voice stopped him. He remembered Lee's pained breaths, and that simple phrase. _I felt very happy._ "I'll be on at the usual time," he answered. Before Lee could reply, he cut the feed and pulled his headphones off. His ears ached slightly from the constant pressure, and he rubbed underneath them, thinking over Lee's words. It didn't make sense.

He sighed, shook his head, and turned the light off. He could worry about it later.

To be continued


	3. Chapter 3

Lee slid beneath the covers, wincing at the twinge in his spine. He was exhausted. His eyes itched with an unpleasant dryness, and a dull ache throbbed behind his brow. But he lay awake for over an hour, staring at the ceiling.

Why had he said those things to Gaara? Sure, Gaara was beautiful, but why should Lee have noticed that fact or paid so much attention to it? He had never paid that sort of attention to another boy before. A dull ache of confusion filled his chest.

At last, he closed his eyes and drifted off into a light, fitful doze.

* * *

A week passed. They fell easily into the rhythm of talking again, though Lee didn't mention the webcam experience, and Gaara didn't bring it up. It hovered in the back of his mind, just underneath the surface. Beautiful. It was a word that had never been used to describe him before, and one that didn't seem to fit. He'd glanced into a mirror, trying to see Lee's point, but he'd looked the same as he always did- messy red hair, dark-ringed eyes, and pale.

The other change was that all of their conversations now took place over Skype. Gaara mentally justified it as being easier for Lee- he could lie down, rather than having to sit up- but he knew it was a thin protest. He pulled his headphones on, noticing as he did that the usual time had moved to be half an hour earlier, and double-clicked on Lee's screenname. "Hey."

"Hi," Lee said, smiling at the now familiar sound of Gaara's deep voice. "You know, I think I am getting stronger. This morning I walked back and forth across the room three times without crutches, and I even managed to do a few push-ups." Of course, he'd been in blinding pain for most of the day afterward. Only in the past hour had it faded enough for him to speak coherently. But still, it had been worth it, just to know that he _could _still walk.

Gaara cast a skeptical glance at his laptop. "Pushups," he repeated. "Lee, are you _trying_ to get back in the hospital?"

Lee frowned. "Of course not. But how can I ever expect to regain my strength if I do not push myself?" He paused, then sighed softly. "Gai scolded me, too. He said I am being reckless with my body. But I am going crazy just lying in bed all the time."

Gaara shook his head. It was just like Lee, to be so focused on getting better that he made himself worse. He wondered why he found that so frustrating. "Have you tried talking to that doctor yet?"

"We still have not been able to get an appointment." Lee sighed softly. "Gai keeps saying that I just need to be patient. That it just takes awhile, because there are so many people who want to see her. And I believe he is right. But still...it is frustrating."

Gaara fell silent. He'd decided to leave it up to fate rather than interfere. He couldn't make the call to prevent Lee being able to see Tsunade, but he couldn't bring himself to bring his family's influence in to bear for the positive, either. Part of him was still convinced that Lee would leave the moment he was better. Gaara had come to accept that he wanted Lee, and he was a selfish person. He wasn't willing to give up something that he wanted.

He didn't look too deeply at those feelings, not wanting to see what he'd find there. The sadness in Lee's voice, though, was quiet chastisement. "There's no guarantee she'll be able to do anything," he reasoned. The words were meant for himself more than for Lee.

"Maybe not, but she is the best chance I have." Lee's voice shook slightly, despite his efforts to control it. "I am going to do whatever it takes to see her. I cannot spend the rest of my life like this. If I do not get better, then Gai will be forced to take care of me forever, because there is no one else to do it. I cannot do that to him, not after he has done so much for me. I cannot stand being a burden. If I cannot get in to see Dr. Tsunade, I...I do not know what I will do."

He didn't like the despair in Lee's voice. Desperation was bad enough, but Lee wasn't supposed to sound like that- his voice thin, cracking, as if the slightest thing would push him over the edge. "She might not be able to help. If you do manage to see her, could you handle that?" he asked, keeping his voice to a careful monotone. He knew that Lee might see it as digging the knife deeper, but he had to know.

Lee's throat thickened, and he shut his eyes tight against the tears welling up. "I do not know," he said, his voice choked. "I keep telling myself that there is always hope. That even if she cannot help me, I must not give up. But...Dr. Tsunade is the best at what she does. She specializes in spinal injuries. If even she cannot help me...then it probably means no one can. And I do not know if I can go on living as a cripple." Lee wiped one sleeve across his eyes. "I am sorry. I should not talk like this, I know."

"You're right," Gaara replied quietly. "You shouldn't." He was quiet for a long time, listening to Lee's hitching breathing. If it'd been anyone else, he would've walked away. He wasn't good at comforting people. As far as he could remember, Lee was the only one he'd ever cared enough to try with. "You'll get in to see her."

"I will?" Lee asked, his voice tremulous and uncertain. Then he took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes, I...you are right. I will." He had to think positive. Had to keep telling himself everything would work out. But it wasn't like Gaara to think that way...so why did he sound so certain. "Gaara, you...you really think I will?"

For a moment, he almost didn't say anything. It'd be easier that way. But the hope in Lee's voice was so fragile and thin, barely covering the pain. "I'll make a call in the morning. So stop worrying about it," he said. The last bit was added on as a gruff order.

Lee blinked a few times. His brow furrowed. "You will make a call?" he repeated. "To who? I-I do not understand."

Gaara considered the question at face value, running through the options in his mind. "That depends. It'd be fastest to just call her directly, but if she's not easily swayed by money, I might have to pull a few strings. Either way, you'll be in by the end of the week. So stop worrying."

Lee's jaw hung open as he stared at the ceiling, his eyes wide. "You...you can do that?" he asked at last, his voice breathless with shock. "You have that sort of power?"

"Yes." It was a simple answer, curt, and Gaara didn't elaborate. He felt a flash of annoyance that that was the part Lee focused on, instead of his orders to stop worrying. "I don't know what will happen when you see her, but you'll see her. So just- stop. Stop giving up. It's not you, and I've had enough of it," Gaara said, the frustration leaking through.

Lee's breath caught in his throat. His eyes closed, and a tear slipped down his cheek. He would get in to see Dr. Tsunade. And Gaara would make sure it happened. Gaara cared about him enough to make that happen, despite his fear that Lee would abandon him once he'd recovered. "Thank you," he whispered.

"It's not something that you need to thank me for," Gaara said. There was still a harsh edge to his voice, but he wasn't certain any longer if it was directed at Lee or at himself. He wondered if Lee would ask questions now, or if he'd take the simple expedient he'd taken himself over Lee and head to Google. Lee didn't have his last name, but he knew his siblings. It'd be easy enough to look up. But somehow, he couldn't see Lee doing that.

"Still...I want to thank you. You don't know how much this means to me." Lee hesitated.

Gaara had just offered him the very thing he'd been praying and hoping for; he didn't know how it was possible for Gaara to do that, but he believed him. Lee should just leave it alone. But he needed to know. Who _was _Gaara? If he really had that sort of power, he must be someone important...or at least, his family must be powerful. "May I ask something?" he said quietly. "What is your last name?"

"…Sabaku," Gaara answered, saying nothing more than that single word. There were connotations enough to it, for anyone who paid attention- his father had been a notorious figure in the business world before his death. He looked away from his laptop, drawing his knees up against his chest. At least he didn't have to worry about Lee making the other connections. His father had been very careful to hide any involvement between the scandal with Yashamaru and his name.

The name rang faint bells. Lee was sure he'd heard it before, though in connection with what, he didn't know. He supposed he could look it up...but somehow that felt like a betrayal of Gaara's trust. Gaara was so cautious in giving out information about himself. Lee didn't want to probe any more deeply into his life than Gaara was ready for.

He was silent a moment, staring into space. Neither one of them had mentioned the incident with the webcams, and Lee was tired of pretending as if it hadn't happened. His teeth worried at his bottom lip. "Gaara? About what I said last week...I hope I did not make you too uncomfortable."

It wasn't the reaction that Gaara had expected, and it took a moment for him to adjust to the change in topic. He almost said that he didn't know what Lee was talking about, but it'd hovered in the back of his mind since that night. Beautiful. Lee thought he was beautiful. "I still don't know why you said that."

"Because it is true. Maybe I should not have said it. But I do feel that way." He swallowed, his pulse drumming faster. "You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I do not understand why you do not know that. I cannot be the first one to have said it."

The certainty in Lee's voice was almost more disturbing to Gaara than what he was saying. "You are." He wondered, not for the first time, if Lee realized exactly how isolated Gaara kept himself. The idea of someone walking up to him and telling him he was beautiful was laughable.

"Really?" Lee asked. Gaara didn't reply. He generally didn't respond to questions when he considered the answer obvious. Lee fiddled with the cord of his headphones, wondering if he dared say anything else. But somehow, he felt it was important that Gaara understand and believe this. "I have never had such a thought about a boy before. I...I really do not think I am gay. I have always liked girls. Well, one girl, mostly. It is just...I have never met a boy like you. Looking at you makes me feel things that I do not know how to explain."

"Then don't look at me," Gaara replied. A thread of the discomfort he felt was obvious in his voice, and he wondered if turning his webcam on had been a mistake. He still wasn't certain why he'd done it in the first place. "I don't know why you're telling me this. I'll just keep my webcam off."

"But I _like _looking at you," Lee protested. "I like being able to see you when we talk. I...I know that you are probably uncomfortable with it now. So I do not know if you will ever turn that webcam back on. And even if you do not, that is okay. I still like just talking to you like this. I just want you to know how I feel. That is all."

Gaara was quiet for a long time, staring into the dark. Lee liked looking at him. He thought he was beautiful, and for some reason he couldn't understand, Lee thought it was important that he tell him these things."What do you want?" he finally asked, voice flat.

Lee paused, wondering how to answer that question. He wasn't even sure he knew the answer. "I want to be..." He stopped himself before he could say the word-Gaara didn't like that word-and took a deep breath. "I want to show you that it is not all bad. That sometimes it is worthwhile."

"I don't understand what that has to do with this. I don't- it doesn't make sense. You're not making sense." He should just hang up. He _knew_ that he should just hang up. Lee was getting closer and closer, and this- none if it made sense. "You wouldn't tell me that if you didn't want something."

"That _is _what I want, Gaara. Just to be with you. To help you." He bit his lower lip, wondering if he was just making this worse. He wished there was some way to make Gaara understand...but trying to express his feelings in a way that wouldn't make Gaara uncomfortable was surprisingly difficult. "You are an important person to me."

Gaara's eyes widened in the dark, and he stopped breathing for a moment as those words repeated in his mind. _You are an important person to me. _His fingers tangled in the thin fabric of his shirt. It felt like a wire was closing around his heart. He struggled for control, fighting back against the memories. Those same words, said with a soft smile. The way Yashamaru had always smiled- with his eyes closed. Easier to lie that way.

"Don't." Gaara's voice was flat, hard, and cold. "Don't say things like that."

Lee froze. Dread coiled low in his stomach. He'd done it again-accidentally hurt Gaara somehow. Stepped on some painful memory without realizing it. Sometimes, trying to talk to Gaara was like manuevering through a pitch black room filled with traps...or with fragile objects that would fall and shatter if he bumped into them.

Lee took a deep breath. "I do not know what you are remembering now. But...whatever it is...it will not happen that way again. I will not hurt you. I promise."

"Don't lie to me. You can't- I won't believe you. I won't. I don't need you, I _don't_ need your help, I don't- just stop. Stop making promises you won't keep. Stop lying to me. Stop _confusing_ me." Gaara's fingers tightened, and his breath grew shallow and ragged. He hated how much Lee made him feel. He could go months without feeling anything, and Lee ripped all of that careful control away with so few words. He wondered if Lee even realized what he was doing to him.

Lee's heart ached. The pain in that voice was so raw, and he wished desperately that he could take it away somehow, but it seemed that no matter what he said, it just made it worse. Still, he kept talking. He didn't know what else to do. "I am not lying. I always keep my promises, no matter what. I just want to help. Please. Do not be afraid. Let me help you. Let me prove myself to you. I will do anything." Gaara's breathing had grown ragged and harsh. He seemed to be fighting for air. Lee's eyes widened. "Gaara? It is okay. Just breathe. All right?"

Gaara's eyes slipped closed. He could hear the worry in Lee's voice along with every subtle shift of intonation. It was too close. _Lee_ was too close. "I don't know why I can't push you away," he whispered. "I want to. I want to hang up. I want to leave. I want you gone. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to feel at all. But I can't, and I don't know why."

Lee's chest clenched at those words. He closed his eyes for a moment, collecting himself. "If that is what you truly want-if you want me out of your life for good, if you never want to see me or speak to me again-then I will go. But I do not believe that is what you truly want. Not deep down. I think you are afraid...but that is not the same as not wanting something. I think you know that, and that is the reason you cannot push me away. Please...let me in. Let me help."

Gaara's fingers loosened their tight grip on his shirt, and he drew an unsteady breath. "If I do," he said slowly, then paused, dampening his lips. "If I did," he amended, "what if you were lying? What if you left? How am I supposed to- everything was fine. I was fine. It worked. Then this happened, and I still don't know how it did, but suddenly you _matter_ and I can't- I can't do that again. Not again."

"I will not leave you. I will not betray you. I have no way to prove that. All I can do is offer you my word and ask you to trust me. And maybe that is a lot to ask. But...even if you are able to exist on your own...it is hard to exist that way. I know it is. I do not want you to be alone." His fingers tightened on the headphone cord. "When I found Gai...it was the first time I ever felt like I mattered to someone. Like I was wanted. Cared for. It can be wonderful, Gaara. Trusting another person, having that bond."

Trust. It was such a simple word, but the idea of actually trusting someone else… "You don't understand," Gaara whispered. "You have to mean this. You can't- if I trust you and you _leave_, if I believe in you and you're lying- I can't, Lee. I can't. If you don't mean it, you need to leave. Sign off, and don't sign back on. Now, before it's too late."

"I do mean it, Gaara." His heart thumped, and he twisted the headphone cord around his fingers, but his voice was steady. "I mean it with all my heart. I never say anything I do not mean. I will not abandon you. I will not hurt you. Please...trust me?"

Gaara was silent for a long time. He didn't know what he was waiting for. For Lee to change his mind, maybe. For Lee to take the decision out of his hands, maybe, and prove that he was right to not trust him. But as he listened to the soft movement of Lee's breath as he waited, he realized that it wouldn't happen. Four am. After a week and a half, not knowing if he'd ever show up again, Lee had been there. Waiting for him. And he'd continue to wait now, no matter how long Gaara hesitated. It was that, more than anything, that made the decision for him. He let out a slow breath, then nodded. "Okay."

That single word sent a ripple of electricity up Lee's spine, and his breath caught in his throat. His eyes closed, and his fingers clenched tight on the headphone cord. He knew it had taken Gaara a great deal of courage to speak that word, to make that leap...but that made it all the more meaningful. "Thank you," he whispered, "my friend." He paused. "Can I call you that now?"

Friend. Lee was his friend. Gaara's feelings over that were complex. Part of him knew that the word had already been true, and had been for some time, but admitting to it was different. It made it real. "…Fine," Gaara said. He paused for a moment, then gruffly added, "Just don't do it all the time."

A smile spread across Lee's face. "Okay," he said. For a moment, he just listened to Gaara's breathing. It was strangely soothing. "I am glad that you are my friend." A glance at the clock told him that it was almost morning. The time had flown by. "I suppose I should try to get some sleep."

"You should," Gaara agreed. "I'll make the call before I go to sleep." He paused for a moment. "Be here at the same time tomorrow." It wasn't a request, or a question, and Gaara cut the feed before Lee could reply.

Lee took off the headphones and stared at them for a moment, then set them on his desk. Could one phone call from Gaara really get Lee through the door to see Dr. Tsunade? It seemed too good to be true. But he supposed there was nothing to do except wait and see.

Lee lay down and closed his eyes.

Gaara booted his laptop down, grabbed his cellphone and a pack of cigarettes, and headed out the door. Dawn had already started to tinge the sky into pale pinks, and Gaara leaned back against the wall, cupping a hand around his cigarette as he lit it. The flow of smoke into his lungs was familiar, calming a nervous jitter just underneath the surface. He didn't think too much about what Lee had said, focusing instead on watching as the sun slowly rose. When his cigarette had dwindled down to little more than filter and ash, he let it drop.

It was early, but that didn't matter. Gaara pulled his cell out and turned it off airplane mode- his way of screening calls he didn't want to bother with, though few people other than his siblings had his number- and called. If Baki was asleep, he'd wake up. It was that simple. When Gaara heard the click of the call connecting, he cut off any greetings. "I need something done."

To be continued


	4. Chapter 4

Lee sat in front of his computer, staring at the blank monitor. He felt...numb. He knew he should probably be feeling something right now, but his mind seemed wrapped in fog.

Dr. Tsunade's words echoed in his mind: _There are numerous bone and metal fragments lodged in your spine. Trying to remove them would be incredibly risky. And if the operation failed, you would most likely die.  
_

He squeezed his eyes shut.

It was late. Gaara was probably already online, waiting for him. He knew he should sign on and let him know how the appointment with Dr. Tsunade had gone. But he found himself reluctant...as if telling Gaara what had happened would cement it, make it real.

Lee took a deep breath, turned on his monitor, put on his headphones and opened Skype. He found Gaara's screen name and clicked on it. "Hello."

"Mm. You're late," Gaara noted. He stopped the track he'd been listening to in the middle and minimized his browser. He'd gotten used to giving Lee his full attention during their conversations. It'd been different while waiting for responses over IM. He knew that the appointment had been today, and wondered if that was part of Lee's absence. "How did it go?"

"Well...I talked to Dr. Tsunade." He chewed his lower lip for a moment. "She...she said there is an operation. That she might be able to fix my spine. But...if I have the surgery..." He trailed off, and his chest tightened. He didn't want to speak the words. But Gaara deserved the truth. "She said there is only a fifty percent chance of survival."

Gaara went still. "Fifty percent," he repeated. The words were flat, but inside, he felt numb. A fifty percent chance of Lee dying. A coin flip, and he'd be gone. "You're not considering it." He paused. "Are you?"

He drew in a shaky breath. "It is my only chance, Gaara. If she cannot fix me, who can? Either I agree to the operation or I spend the rest of my life like this. And I cannot live like this. I cannot."

"You're considering it." Gaara stared at the screen as if it'd offer some kind of answer, but it didn't. "Did you already tell her yes?"

"No. She urged me to think about it for a few days, and I told her I would." His breathing quickened. "I am afraid. I-I do not want to die. But...how can I say no to this? How can I turn down this chance?"

Gaara was silent for a long time. He didn't know how to respond, and his emotions were so mixed that untangling them felt impossible. Lee was considering it. He knew that he could die, and he was still considering it. "Is it what you want?" Gaara asked, curiously devoid of emotion.

"I want to be the way I was," Lee whispered. "I want that so much. I..." His voice caught. He gripped his knees with trembling hands and squeezed his eyes shut. "I have not told Gai yet. I do not know how to tell him." A small, choked sob escaped his throat. He gulped. "I am sorry," he whispered. "I-I should not be this way. I need to be positive. I need to make myself believe that the surgery will be successful."

Lee's mind was made up, then, Gaara thought. More than the pain in Lee's voice, more than the choked sobs and stuttered breathing, that was what registered. He felt strangely numb at the idea. Lee was willing to die. He wanted to be normal again so badly that he was willing to die. And Gaara would lose him either way. If the surgery was successful, Lee would have his life back.

If it wasn't, he'd be gone. And Lee was willing to do that. He was willing to leave, just like that, for a chance. "Believing that it will be successful won't make it more likely to succeed."

"Even so...once you decide to do something, you must believe that it will work. That is what Gai has always told me." He wiped the tears from his eyes. "And who knows? Maybe it can make a difference. I just know that I have to do it. And being afraid that it will fail will not help anything."

Silence.

"Gaara?" Lee whispered. And then it occurred to him. Lee had promised not to leave Gaara. He had promised not to hurt him. And now...

Shame, hot and bitter, flooded Lee's body. It burned in his face and chest and filled his throat. He had only been thinking about his own fear. He hadn't even considered how Gaara might feel about this. "It is going to be fine," Lee said, forcing a confident note into his voice. "I really believe that. The surgery is going to be successful. There is nothing to worry about." He would make it so. He would make sure he survived...somehow. He _had _to. He'd promised.

"Don't lie." The same curious flatness was in Gaara's voice, and he gave the words time to sink in before continuing. "There's a fifty percent chance that you'll die. That won't change because you believe in it. You can't promise that it won't fail. So don't lie."

Lee closed his eyes. "You are right," he whispered. He stared numbly down at his hands. He had made a promise. He had said he wouldn't leave. He'd promised that over and over again. Though he knew little about Gaara's life, Lee was sure that Gaara did not have any other friends-did not have any contact with anyone else at all, except his family. Gaara had never dared to open his heart to anyone, for fear of being hurt. Until now. If Lee died now, what effect would it have on Gaara's mind and heart?

The idea of living the rest of his life like this, with his body and dreams shattered, was almost intolerable. But the idea of breaking Gaara's fragile trust, betraying that promise...that was even worse.

"It is okay, Gaara," he said quietly. "I have changed my mind. I am not going to have the surgery."

He'd thought that it would make him feel better if Lee said those words, but anger surged instead of relief. Lee wanted the surgery. He'd almost given up, thinking that it was impossible. "How many times have you told me that you can't live like this?" he asked, harsh and biting. "That you would give anything to be normal again?"

"I will find some way to live. Do not worry about me, Gaara. Risking death...it is just not worth it. And maybe someday I will find some other way to get better." His voice sounded strained and unconvincing, even to his own ears.

He'd known it was a mistake to trust Lee. It was a mistake to trust anyone, but all Gaara could feel was anger. At himself, for trusting. At Lee, for being so willing to betray that trust, so willing to leave. He hated how uncertain Lee's voice sounded, thin and strained, as if he were forcing the words out. "I already told you once. Don't lie. If there were another way, you would've found it already." The words were hard, deliberately cold. "We both know you're going to go through with it, so don't lie to yourself, and don't lie to me."

Lee swallowed hard, and his chest tightened. Gaara was probably right. This surgery was his only real shot at reclaiming his old life. Giving it up would mean resigning himself to life as a cripple. Of course there was always some slim hope, but nothing short of a miracle would mend him, if he refused this chance.

Even so...he had made a promise. And Lee never went back on his promises. Gai had ingrained that into him time and again; that a man must always keep his word, no matter the cost to himself. Even if it cost him his life-or his sanity-Lee would not go back on his word. Not just for Gaara's sake, but because honoring promises was simply what a man did. Because if he betrayed that trust now, he would lose all respect for himself. After assuring Gaara that he would not leave him, could he gamble with his life like this?

"I am serious," he said quietly, but his voice was firm now. "Tomorrow I am going to call Dr. Tsunade and tell her that I do not want the surgery. So do not worry. I am not going to disappear."

"I don't believe you," Gaara said. It was quiet, soft, barely enough to be picked up by the microphone, in contrast to the hard words of before. "I don't. You want this. You want it enough to leave. You were going to leave. Your mind was made up. But either way I lose you. If you do not have the surgery, if you give up hope, I will lose you. If you have the surgery and it fails, I will lose you. If you have the surgery and it succeeds, _I will lose you._"

"You will not lose me, Gaara," he said. "I will find some way to go on. I made a promise, and that will let me keep living, even if I never fully recover. I will call her first thing tomorrow. I'd do it right now, if her office were not closed for the night. So do not worry. All right?"

"You'll change your mind. You already did. You were going to do it. If that promise was important to you, you never would have been so willing to break it. So don't pretend that by doing this you can make it so you're not breaking that promise, Lee. You already broke it."

He could hear the anger and hurt in Gaara's voice, and his heart cramped. "I know," he said quietly. "I was not thinking clearly. I was afraid. But my head is clear now. I am not going to change my mind." If he turned down the surgery, changing his mind probably wouldn't be an option, anyway. Tsunade had a very long list of patients waiting to see her. "I have made my decision."

"Why?" The single word was hard, laced with bitterness. Gaara held onto the anger because it was easier to face than the mounting fear. "You want to be normal. You want your life back. You want that more than anything. _Why_?"

"I made a promise," Lee said quietly. "I cannot leave you. I cannot risk that." His hands trembled, and he clenched them into fists. Though he'd made his decision, he felt lost, helpless. "Only a moment ago, you were angry because I was planning to have the surgery. Now you are angry because I have decided not to have it. I do not know what you want."

Frustration and confusion welled in Gaara's chest, making it clench uncomfortably tight. He needed to leave. He knew that. Lee couldn't be trusted. He'd proven that he couldn't be trusted. Gaara didn't even know why he'd decided to trust him in the first place. People couldn't be trusted. He knew that, better than anyone. "You should've gone when I told you to," he whispered.

"Why?" Lee whispered back. Tears stung his eyes, and he shut them. "I do not understand, Gaara. Why do you push me away?" A lump thickened his throat. He knew he should probably sign off. He was too emotionally raw right now. If this kept up, he was going to lose control. But he couldn't just leave. Not now. "Even after all this time, you still do not trust me. I do not know what to do. Tell me what I can do. I..." A small, choked sob escaped him, and he pressed a hand to his face. "I do not know what is right. If I stay this way then Gai will be stuck taking care of me forever, and I do not want to do that to him. But I cannot get the surgery. I do not want to leave you. I cannot bear the thought of dying and leaving you.

No matter what I do, I will hurt someone precious to me. I..." He buried his face in his hands. "I am sorry, I should not be talking like this," he whispered.

Gaara stared at the screen, that curious numbness settling over him again when the emotions mounted too high. He couldn't trust Lee. Either way, Lee was gone. He needed to leave, now. He needed to push Lee away. If he let him stay, it'd be slow and drawn out, but he knew now that he couldn't trust Lee. "Get the surgery," he said, voice peculiarly flat.

"What?" Lee whispered. He lowered his hands from his face. "But..." He trailed off. Then he took a deep, shaky breath. "I-I know why you are saying that. You feel like you have to say that. But...I have already made up my mind. I am going to stay. I am not going to get the surgery. That is my decision." It was the right thing to do. He had sworn not to leave, after all. There _was _no choice; this was how it needed to be.

Gaara felt a flicker of amusement, bitter as it was, over the assumption. "You don't understand, Lee. I'm not that unselfish." He paused for a moment, letting the words sink in. "I'm leaving. " Some of the tight tension in his chest eased at the words. Everything would be easier, now. He wouldn't have to worry about Lee getting too close; he wouldn't have to face the strange mix of feelings that the other teen brought to the surface every time they spoke.

Lee froze, staring into space. "What?" he whispered. Then, as realization sank in, a band of panic tightened around his chest. "Gaara, no. No, please. Do not go."

"Either way, you're gone," Gaara said simply. "You cannot live like this. If the surgery fails, then you are gone. If it succeeds, then you won't need me anymore." He was quiet for a moment, then a soft sigh slipped past his lips and he leaned back. "I know I shouldn't have trusted that you wouldn't leave. But I wanted to believe in that. I don't know why. It was easier when I didn't."

"I am not going to leave, Gaara. How can I make you believe that?" Frustration crept into his voice. "I am not having the surgery, but if I did and it succeeded, I would still need you. You are my friend. That will not end just because my spine gets fixed."

Gaara was silent for a long time, letting the words sink in. He didn't know why he hadn't taken his headset off, or why he still felt curiously numb, or why he wanted to listen to the now-familiar rhythm of Lee's voice. That was what he'd miss the most, he thought- the sound of Lee's voice, and the feel of it wrapped around him. "You have other friends," he said finally. "You don't need me."

"Of course I need you! Just because I have other friends, that does not mean I do not need you. No one can replace you, Gaara. If you disappear now...I will not be able to bear it." His voice shook. "Please stay with me, Gaara. Please do not leave me."

_No one can replace you_. Those simple words echoed in Gaara's mind, backed by the desperation clear in Lee's trembling voice. Lee wanted him to stay. Lee needed him. The numbness cracked, and pain flooded in, stealing his breath away. "I don't want you to leave," he said, low and ragged.

"I will not leave you, Gaara. Please believe me. I want more than anything to stay with you." Tears blurred his vision, and he blinked them away. "I want a chance to meet you. To hold you. I want to do that so badly...so I must not die. I will do whatever it takes for the chance to hold you."

At first, only the tone of Lee's voice registered, desperation and need soothing the tight fear clenching at Gaara's chest. Slowly, though, the words started to take shape in his mind. If Lee hadn't repeated it, he would've thought he'd misheard, because the very idea was so strange. He tried to remember if anyone had ever held him before, but he couldn't. Even Yashamaru, he thought, hadn't done that, then he immediately pushed the memories away.

"You want to hold me?" he asked, a touch of the confused disbelief creeping into his voice.

"Yes," Lee whispered. "I know it probably sounds strange to you, but...I want to do that. Because it seems like you are so alone...and I hear such pain in your voice sometimes. It makes me want to hold you close. To show you that you are not alone. That I am with you, and I care about you."

He felt oddly raw in the face of those words. He knew that he could hear so much subtle intonation in Lee's voice, clearly betraying even the smallest shift of emotion, but the idea that Lee could hear the same… it was frightening. He was quiet for a long time, thinking about it. About Lee holding him. He tried to picture it- the warmth of Lee's body, the pressure of his arms around him- but he couldn't. "What does it feel like?" he finally asked.

"Being held?" Lee paused, thinking. No one had ever asked him that question. It was such a simple thing, really, but he didn't know how to put it into words.

Lee thought back to the first time Gai had hugged him. He closed his eyes, conjuring up the memory, the emotions and sensations. "It feels warm," he said quietly. "Calming. Secure. Like you are wrapped up in someone's love. Like in that moment, nothing can hurt you, and everything is okay. Or at least...that is what it feels like for me."

_Love_. Gaara's breath quickened into a rapid, shallow flutter, panic mounting. Lee wanted to hold him. Holding meant love. His mind skittered away from making the connections, but he felt it underneath the surface. "You shouldn't say that word," he managed.

"What word?" And then realization dawned. "Gaara...I did not mean...that is..." He gulped. And for the first time, he wondered-_did _he love Gaara? Lee had always told himself he didn't like boys that way, but what he felt for Gaara went beyond friendship. He didn't know what else to call it. His heartbeat quickened.

Gaara's rapid breathing echoed in his ears. "Gaara, it is all right," Lee said, keeping his voice low and gentle. "Everything is all right."

The soft, calming tone of Lee's voice- similar to someone talking to a panicked, wounded animal- barely registered. "You don't. Say that you don't," Gaara told him, voice low and rough. If Lee said that, everything would be fine. He could pretend it'd never happened, that Lee hadn't made that slip, and everything would be fine.

Lee hesitated, biting his lower lip. Gaara wanted Lee to say that he didn't love him?

He thought about the little flutter of excitement he always felt when he saw Gaara online...all the nights they'd stayed up together, just talking. He thought about that deep, smooth voice-normally so calm and empty, but occasionally expressive at the most unexpected moments. He thought about those beautiful, guarded green eyes, that carefully expressionless face, like a shield...about the tattoo on Gaara's forehead. A reminder, he'd said. But maybe it was more than that. Maybe on some level, it was a desperate, silent cry for love.

Lee's tongue crept out to moisten his lips. His pulse drummed in his throat. "I cannot say that. It would be a lie," he said quietly. "Because I do love you, Gaara."

"No." It was a broken whisper, and Gaara curled in on himself, arms wrapping around tight and knees drawing up against his chest. "_No_," he repeated, stronger, more panicked, the desperation bleeding into his voice. He remembered Yashamaru's words, and that last, soft smile. _You were not loved_. The one person he'd trusted, the one person that he'd believed cared about him- "You don't. You _can't_."

"I do." Lee hesitated. He could hear the panic in Gaara's voice, in his breathing. His heart clenched in pain. Had he made a mistake? No-he could not regret saying that. It was only the truth. "It is okay if you do not feel the same way about me," he said quietly. "And if you do not want to meet, we do not have to. I will not do anything you do not want to do. I just wanted you to know. I..." He froze. "Gaara? Are you okay?"

He ignored the panicked question, focusing on the certainty in Lee's voice. "You can't," he repeated. "You can't love me. No one does. It doesn't exist, it doesn't- stop saying things like that, why do you always, everything was fine, you- just **stop**." Each word came more rapidly than the last, his tongue tripping over the syllables. Desperation, panic, fear, and most of all pain stood out starkly in his voice. Gaara's grip tightened around his shoulders, and he curled in tighter, instinctively trying to get away from the voice.

Lee's grip tightened on the arm of his chair. He wished desperately that he was _there, _that he could hug Gaara, stroke his hair until he was calm again. Touch could reach where words couldn't. And Lee had never been very good with words, anyway. "It is all right, Gaara. Just...take deep breaths. Everything is fine. There is nothing to be afraid of. I will not hurt you." He kept talking, repeating the words softly, trying to reach Gaara through the walls of panic and denial.

Slowly, the suggestion started to sink in. He would've fought against it, if it weren't for the very softness of Lee's voice. He forced his breathing to slow, pushing back against the panic that threatened to overwhelm him. It was too much. Too intense, to go from emotion to startling emotion- betrayal, numbness, the panicked need to run, and now this. It was more than he'd felt in years, all condensed in a single night, and he still had no idea how Lee managed to do that to him.

"You can't," he mumbled again, but it was a weak protest in the face of his earlier pleas.

"But I do," Lee said, very softly. He paused, listening to Gaara's breathing. It had steadied somewhat. "What makes you think that I cannot feel that way about you?" he asked, keeping his voice low and gentle.

"It's not real," he whispered. "It's a lie. Love isn't real. It's just there to make it hurt worse." He fell silent for a long stretch, staring sightlessly at the wall, arms still wrapped tight around his body. "He said that he loved me. That she loved me. But it was a lie. It was all a lie, just to make it hurt worse. Love isn't real."

Lee listened to that soft, broken voice, and his heart spasmed again. Even if he didn't fully understand what Gaara was talking about, he understood the pain in that voice. "It _is _real," he said softly. "I truly love you. I can show you, if you will let me." He paused, then asked in a near-whisper, "Who was he? Who hurt you, Gaara?"

"I don't believe you," he murmured, the words meant more to convince himself than Lee. At the questions, he hesitated, fear spiking. Memories pushed at his mind, fraying his already thin control. Maybe if he told him, Lee would leave. Maybe it'd be enough. He was coming to accept that he couldn't walk away, that there was a part of him that needed Lee too much for that. But maybe he could push him.

And maybe, a small part of him just wanted to share the pain, clinging to the foolish hope that Lee's reassurances were true. "My father wanted an heir," he finally said. "Temari was a girl, and even then he thought that Kankuro wasn't good enough." He paused, dampening his lips. "My mother didn't want another child. But he pushed until she gave in. She died when I was born. He blamed me. He couldn't stand looking at me."

He drew a shaky breath, then released it on a slow exhale. "He sent me to live with my uncle. Yashamaru. He raised me. At first I thought that he loved me. He said that he did. He smiled at me, and told me stories about my mother. Then, as I started to get older, things changed. He… I didn't understand. It didn't make sense, and it kept getting worse and worse. When I was six, he tried to kill me."

Lee's eyes widened. "Gaara," he whispered. "I..." He trailed off. What could he possibly say? No words could ease such a pain. Tears welled in his eyes, and he blinked them away. Now, more than ever, he wished he could hold Gaara. The tight pain in his chest gave way to a hot, burning anger at the person who had done this to his friend, who had broken his mind and heart and made him afraid to love. "I am sorry," Lee whispered at last. "I cannot imagine what it must have been like for you." A part of him wanted to ask what had happened to Yashamaru, but he found himself strangely hesitant to. And he didn't want to push Gaara to tell him any more than he felt comfortable telling. "I am sorry," he said again instead.

Gaara remained silent. The lack of questions was comforting, somehow. He'd grown accustomed to Lee probing at every turn. That he didn't was more soothing than his words of comfort. "I don't talk about it," he said flatly. "After it happened, they asked questions. But I didn't." He drew another unsteady breath. "That's why you can't. He said that no one could. That he didn't. That my mother didn't, that no one did. So you can't."

"He was wrong, Gaara. What he said is not true. Love _is_ real. _I_ love you...and I want to prove that to you. Please let me. Give me a chance to show you what it is like to be held. To be loved."

For a moment, he almost said no. Almost told Lee to leave. Almost pushed him away. But if he was capable of doing that, he already would've. "…I don't know how," Gaara admitted quietly.

Those soft words almost broke Lee's heart. He closed his eyes and whispered, "It is okay." He found himself lightly stroking the headphones with his fingertips-the closest he could get to touching Gaara right now. It was an instinctive movement, wanting to soothe him with touch, and being unable to was frustrating. "I will guide you."

Gaara's eyes slipped closed, and the tight grip he'd kept on his shirt slowly loosened. He swallowed, mouth suddenly dry, then nodded. "Okay."

At that single word, a tremor rippled through Lee. Gaara had said yes. Had agreed to let Lee love him. Did this mean he would not pull away anymore? Lee's heart thumped. "Can we meet sometime, Gaara?" he asked quietly. "I want very much to meet you."

"…Fine." A touch of hoarseness lingered in Gaara's voice, but he somewhat wryly realized that it didn't matter. He'd been unwilling to meet Lee because it'd mean letting him in too far, allowing him too close, but tonight had proved that he was unable to break the bond that had grown between them. It didn't matter anymore. "When?"

Lee's breath caught in his throat. He hadn't expected Gaara to agree so readily. "Whenever you're ready." His voice emerged as a breathless whisper. "Maybe...this weekend? If that's not too soon."

"I don't care," Gaara replied frankly. If the decision was made, waiting wouldn't change anything. He felt a thrill of fear at the idea of meeting Lee, but mostly, he felt numb. Not the overwhelming, cold numbness of before, but the slow, exhausted ache of having felt too much. "Whatever you want. It doesn't matter."

"All right. This weekend, then." He was going to meet Gaara. He'd be able to touch him, to look into his eyes. His pulse raced at the thought. "Let me see...how should we do it? Should I come over to where you are? Or would you rather come over here? Or...maybe we could meet at a halfway point." His mind raced. Lee, of course, could not drive. He'd have to ask Gai to take him to his destination. Being in the car was always hard on Lee's back, but he could deal with it.

Gaara thought about it for a moment. If Lee came to see him, then Temari and Kankuro would ask questions. They wouldn't forbid it- couldn't, really, seeing as in some cruel joke their father had kept to his plan to make Gaara his heir- but he felt oddly protective over Lee. There was a part of Gaara that wanted to keep Lee to himself. "I'll come there," he decided.

"Really?" A tiny smile curved Lee's lips. "That would be great, if you are okay with that." He had to admit, he was relieved that he wouldn't have to face a long road trip. And he wanted to introduce Gaara to Gai. "I cannot wait to see you. It will be fun."

"Fun," Gaara repeated dryly, then shook his head. Despite knowing so much about Lee, moments like this made him wonder if he understood the other teen at all. He wondered briefly what it'd be like to actually meet Lee. Online, their interactions were static. They talked, and that was it. It'd be strange for that to change. He was too tired, though, to focus on the thoughts- both physically and emotionally. "Whatever. I'm going to sleep." He paused for a moment. "We can make plans tomorrow."

"Okay. I will talk to you at the usual time, then. Sleep well, Gaara." He waited for Gaara to sign off, then took off his headphones. Excitement fluttered in his stomach. His lower back ached and throbbed, but he barely noticed. There was a wide smile on his face.

To be continued


	5. Chapter 5

Gaara tossed another shirt in the direction of the open suitcase sitting on his bed, attention more on rummaging through his closet than ensuring that it actually landed. He'd put off packing until the last minute. Not because he wasn't certain that he'd go- when he made decisions, Gaara generally stuck to them- but because he didn't particularly care what he brought with him. It'd been three days since Lee's declaration. Gaara carefully didn't think the word 'love', but it lingered in the back of his mind.

Lee hadn't brought it up again, more focused on the impending meeting, and Gaara hadn't asked. He still felt unstable and slightly off-balance over the entire thing, and he wondered what it'd be like to actually meet Lee. He shook the thought off, adding a pair of black pants to the mix. They hadn't discussed how long he'd be staying for. Gaara glanced over at the bed, judging it to roughly be enough for a week, and shrugged. It wasn't like he bothered going to class anyway. He tucked the clothes away, closed the suitcase, and grabbed his laptop bag. His ipod was charged and loaded, along with the IEMs that he preferred. There was really nothing more left than to leave. He grabbed his keys, threaded them habitually through his fingers, and headed out of his room.

Temari, meanwhile, was walking down the hall toward Gaara's room. Dinner was ready, and damn it, they were all going to eat together as a family, even if she had to pound on his door and bellow for a full five minutes to get his attention. These days, it seemed, Gaara always had his headphones on.

She fully expected him to be in his room. He almost never left it. So when she rounded a corner and nearly ran into him, she gasped in shock and stumbled backward. "Gaara! What-" Her gaze went to the suitcase in his hand, and her eyes widened. "Where are you going?"

Gaara looked at her for a moment, gaze inscrutable, expression calm. He considered not answering. It wasn't really any of her business anyway, he reasoned. Ever since their father had died, though, Temari seemed to forget that part of their relationship. They'd barely tolerated one another, but after he died, she'd started acting like they were an actual family. It was irritating.

It'd be quicker, though, to just answer her. He let out a slow breath, then shrugged. "I'm going to go see a friend," he said.

Temari blinked, and her jaw dropped. She couldn't have been more startled if Gaara had announced that he was going to apply for a job at the strip club. "A friend," she repeated. "Who? Since when?"

Gaara felt a faint, wry amusement at the disbelief in Temari's voice. The idea sounded as absurd to him as it apparently did to her, but it also felt right to say. Lee _was _his friend. "His name is Lee. And I've known him for about seven months." He paused for a moment, looking at her. "I'm not sure when I'll be back."

"Wait a minute, you're...where are you going, exactly?" She caught hold of his arm. "You can't just _leave._ Tell me more about this person."

Gaara's hairless brow rose slightly, and mint-green eyes fixed momentarily on Temari's hand, then on her face. "I can leave if I want to," Gaara replied calmly.

She took a deep breath and released him. "Give us an address and phone number, at least. Some way that we can reach you if we need to." If Gaara had been talking to this person for seven months, then they probably knew each other quite well. And given that this was the first time Gaara had had a friend in...well, ever, she should probably be encouraging it. Still, she felt a surge of protectiveness. "You're sure it's safe?"

"I'm certain," he replied dryly. "I checked him out within a week of meeting him." He looked at her for a moment, then breathed out slowly again. "I'll leave my phone on. Don't call if it's not important."

She nodded. "All right." Temari paused, uncertain, then said, "Have a good time." The words felt strange and awkward in her mouth. It was hard to visualize Gaara having a good time.

He considered the words for a moment, then nodded. The uncertainty was clear on Temari's face, and she didn't step back. He looked at her for a moment. "You'd like him." It felt odd to say, but he instinctively knew it'd be true. Gaara had a hard time picturing anyone not liking Lee.

Temari blinked in surprise. It wasn't the sort of thing Gaara typically said about anyone.

She watched as he walked down the hall toward the front door, lugging his suitcase. She felt that she should say something else, but she didn't know what, and she wished-not for the first time-that she understood the first thing about her brother. But even after all these years, he was still as shielded and closed off as ever.

She hoped that this Lee, whoever he was, could break through that shield.

* * *

_Today's the day, _Lee thought, staring out his bedroom window. If not for his injuries, he would have been pacing the floor. As it was, he'd been fidgeting, trying to read in bed but unable to pay attention or absorb the words on the page. With a sigh, he set the book down and sat up, wincing.

Gaara would be here sometime today. He hadn't said exactly when he'd show up, but Lee supposed that would depend on traffic. He'd been thinking about things they could do together, but that was difficult. Lee's injuries excluded anything that involved lots of walking, and Gaara thought most social activities were stupid. Lee had gathered a small stack of movies they could watch together, but he'd been unable to come up with anything more exciting than that.

Of course, just being with Gaara-sitting next to him, looking into those beautiful eyes-would be enough for Lee. But he didn't want his friend to be bored here. He sighed, restless, and looked out the window again.

Gaara took the final right at the prompting of the calm, clear tones of his GPS. A glance at the number on the mailbox confirmed that it was where Lee lived, and he pulled up to the curb. He'd arrived a good two hours before predicted, but the GPS had been assuming that he'd be going the speed limit, which was something Gaara hadn't done since the first time he'd gotten behind the wheel of a car. He let it idle for a moment, just looking at the house. There were neatly-trimmed rosebushes outside- a wreath on the door- and so many other purely domestic touches that for a moment he considered just leaving.

The idea of Lee's reaction to that made him sigh, and he removed the keys from the ignition. The drive had been entirely too long, and he stretched as soon as he got out of the car, grateful to no longer be sitting down. He glanced at the bags in the back, then shrugged and locked it instead of grabbing them. If he decided not to stay, it'd be easier if he didn't have to gather his things. He started to walk to the door, then noticed that it was already open. A slightly wry smile tugged at his lips, and he raised a single hand in greeting.

Lee took a step outside, his heart thumping. "Gaara..." He stopped, leaning on his crutch, momentarily robbed of breath.

Gaara's beauty struck him with an almost physical force. Before, Lee had seen him in dim lighting. Now, in the sunlight, his ethereal loveliness was even more apparent. The dim light had not flattered him; his skin really _was _that milky and smooth, and his hair was a vibrant red. In the bright light, his pupils were contracted to nearly invisible pinpoints, giving the impression that his eyes were solid sea green.

He looked like an angel. Silly and cliched though it was, there was no better way to describe it. For a moment, Lee couldn't do anything but stare stupidly, entranced. Then he realized he was gaping and snapped his jaw shut. Heat crept into his cheeks. "Um, hello, Gaara." His first impulse-now that he'd recovered his senses-was to tackle-hug his friend. But something stopped him. Self-preservation instinct, maybe. "I am glad to see you. How was the drive?"

A faint flicker of surprise showed in mostly inscrutable eyes at Lee's reaction, and Gaara studied him for a moment. It was odd to hear Lee's voice coming from a single point instead of being wrapped around him; it sounded different, but at the same time the same. Even leaning on his crutch, he was still taller, but Gaara's interest was caught more by the flush to Lee's cheeks than anything else. For a moment, he wondered why Lee was blushing, then the pieces fit. It was the same way Lee had reacted when he'd turned his webcam on. Gaara wondered if they'd have to be in different rooms for Lee to actually manage to do more than stammer and stare. The thought was mildly amusing.

"Too long," he finally answered, and shrugged.

Lee glanced at the bags in Gaara's car. "I can help you bring those in if you like." Still blushing, he limped toward the car, his crutch clicking against the driveway. "Um...are you hungry? Gai is going to be making lunch soon. Spaghetti. He usually does not screw that up too much...well, except for overcooking the noodles a little." He realized he was babbling and winced. His gaze darted back to Gaara's face, and his blush grew hotter.

Gaara's brow rose slightly as Lee moved toward him, and he shook his head. "They're fine," he replied. "I'll get them later," he added, mildly evasive, aware that Lee would press the matter. The invitation to try Gai's cooking wasn't very appealing, but he shrugged again, then nodded. "Lunch sounds good," he said, somewhat hoping to curtail any attempts by Lee to carry things when he obviously shouldn't be doing so.

"Okay." Lee limped back toward the house and in through the front door. Gaara entered, and Lee closed the door behind him. He paused, looking into Gaara's eyes, and a thrill raced up his spine. They were so close. It would be easy to reach out and touch him...but he didn't quite dare. He was still amazed that Gaara had agreed to come out here; he didn't want to ruin it. "I am glad you came," Lee said quietly. "Thank you."

Seeing the wonder and affection openly on Lee's face was different than just hearing it in his voice, and Gaara shrugged, looking away. Having Lee so close felt uncomfortable. He wasn't used to anyone touching him, and he remembered Lee mentioning before that he wanted to hold him. He wondered if Lee would try that now, and why the thought made him feel both defensive and curious. "It's nothing," he replied curtly.

Lee paused, his eyes searching Gaara's face. It remained expressionless, closed off. Lee smiled and said, "The kitchen is this way." He limped into the room, where Gai was standing near the stove, stirring sauce in a pan. A pot of noodles in hot water bubbled next to it. "Gaara is here," Lee said cheerfully. "He will be joining us for lunch."

Gaara crossed his arms over his chest as a taller version of Lee looked at him, dark eyes clearly assessing. For a moment he found it hard to believe that Gai was Lee's foster father instead of actually being related to him, but as he looked at the man more it became obvious that his skin was a darker shade of olive, and his jaw was squarer than Lee's. Mostly the eyebrows and the haircut were the same. There was a tense moment as Gai and Gaara just looked at one another, then Gai broke into a bright beam.

"Of course! Lee has told me a lot about you. It's good to finally meet you."

Gaara stared at him for a moment, then nodded, and left it at that. Gai shot a questioning look at Lee. "Well, it will be done soon. Could you two set the table?"

"Of course," Lee replied brightly. He began laying out plates. His back had begun to ache, so he moved a bit more slowly than usual. "You can sit down if you like, Gaara. I will take care of it."

Gaara looked at him. Lee's stubbornness was a bit more evident in person, but at least he was actually using his crutch. If it'd been anyone else, he would've sat down even before the invitation, but the idea of Lee in pain bothered him. "I'll help," he replied, a hint of irritation showing in his voice. He followed Lee's nod to the correct cabinet and started pulling glasses down, then set them on the table. When everything was in place, he cast a half-glare at Lee. "Sit down."

Lee sat, wincing at the flare of pain in his back, and set his crutch aside. Gai ladled heaping portions of spaghetti with meat sauce onto their plates and poured glasses of milk. "Just let me know if you want seconds," he said.

"Thank you," Lee said. He began cutting up his spaghetti, which-thankfully-looked edible. Gai had only overcooked the noodles a little.

From what Gaara knew of Gai's cooking, the offer of seconds was one that he was unlikely to take. Not that he usually ate that much anyway. He took a bite of the spaghetti, and was faintly relieved that outside of the unpleasantly mushy texture, it seemed to be edible. An awkward silence settled as the three ate. After five minutes or so, Gai set his fork down on his plate with a clink and cleared his throat. "Lee has mentioned you, but has never really given many details. Tell me a bit about yourself."

Gaara paused with his fork halfway to his mouth and looked over at Gai. The man was smiling, obviously friendly, but there was a slight hardness in his eyes that he interpreted as protectiveness over Lee. "…I live in Suna."

Gai raised his eyebrows slightly and waited. When Gaara didn't volunteer any other information, he asked, "What are your interests? How do you like to spend your time?"

Lee fidgeted. He'd been looking forward to Gaara meeting Gai, but he hadn't thought much about what it would actually be like. He glanced at Gaara's face, which was expressionless as ever.

It was obvious where Lee got his pushiness from. Gaara glanced at him for a brief second, then looked back at Gai. "Music," he said finally. Accustomed enough to Lee to know it wouldn't be left at that, he leaned back in his chair slightly and crossed his arms over his chest. Only a third of the pasta was finished, and the glass of milk was untouched. "Mostly indie," he added, and hoped that Gai would leave it at that.

"Indie?" Gai rubbed his jaw, a thoughtful expression on his face. "I haven't heard of that band."

"It is a type of music," Lee chimed in. "I have been listening to some of it since I met Gaara. It is interesting." He finished off the last bite of his spaghetti and washed it down with a swig of milk.

Gaara felt a faint hint of surprise at Lee's comment, but it didn't show on his face. He nodded, and glanced out the window, aware of Gai's gaze still assessing him. "I have a class to teach at the dojo in an hour," the man finally said, addressing it to Lee. "I should be back home around eight. You two will be fine alone?"

Lee nodded. "Thank you for lunch. It was delicious." He tucked his crutch under one arm, took his plate to the sink and washed it as Gai left the kitchen and headed out the front door. Lee glanced over his shoulder at Gaara, who was still staring at his mostly full plate. "You do not have to finish that if you do not want to. If you get hungry again, I will fix something for you later."

"Mm." Gaara rose, scraped the plate out into the trash, and wordlessly handed it to Lee. He waited until the dishes were done, watching Lee's slow yet efficient movements. It was strange to be able to see Lee. Outside of that short spell on webcam, he hadn't, and it felt unfamiliar and strange. The entire situation made him feel off-balance. He'd been speaking with Lee nearly nightly for seven months now, but actually facing him, he had no idea how to start a conversation. "What now?"

Lee looked up in surprise, meeting Gaara's gaze, and a flush crept into his cheeks. One of these days, he thought, he would be able to look at Gaara without blushing. He hoped. Softly, he cleared his throat and said, "Anything you like. We could watch a movie or play a game. Or we could just sit and talk together."

"Talking works," Gaara replied. Talking was familiar, even if the faint flush to Lee's cheeks wasn't. He felt a mixture of amusement and annoyance over it. "I can't turn my webcam off in person, Lee, so you're going to have to learn to look at me and string two sentences together at the same time."

Lee gulped and looked down at his feet. "I...well...that is..." He bit his lower lip. "I am sorry. I will get better at this. Honest. I just...I am still getting used to this." His gaze darted around, looking everywhere but at Gaara. "Should we, um, go into the bedroom? It might be more comfortable..." He winced. Why had he suggested the bedroom? Why not the living room? But then, the bedroom was where he usually talked to Gaara. It felt more natural.

A rare, faint smile tugged at Gaara's thin lips. Lee was actually kind of cute when he was flustered. He wondered at that thought momentarily. 'Cute' wasn't a word that was normally a part of Gaara's vocabulary, but he couldn't deny that it seemed to fit Lee well. "Fine."

The tension in Lee's shoulders eased. They walked into the bedroom together, and Lee sat down on the edge of the bed, biting his lower lip to keep from crying out at the spasm of pain in his back. He set his crutch aside and smiled at Gaara. "It feels different. Talking to you in person, I mean. I like it...being able to see your face all the time."

Gaara's eyes narrowed slightly as pain flashed over Lee's face. He was good at keeping it out of his voice, and it normally only showed through a faint hitch in his breathing, but actually seeing it was different. He shrugged, looking around the room, then settled on turning the chair in front of Lee's desk around to face the bed and sat down. He was able to see Lee that way, and sitting beside him still felt too intimate. "It is different," he agreed. Gaara paused for a moment, unreadable eyes searching Lee's face. "I told Temari I wasn't certain when I'd be back. I packed for a week or so."

Lee's eyes widened slightly. He'd expected Gaara to stay a day or two, at most. They'd never really talked about it, but he'd assumed Gaara wouldn't be comfortable with anything longer. "You can stay as long as you like," he said. "Whatever feels right to you. The guest bedroom is all set up." He hesitated. "I cannot do very much, with my body like this." He glanced at his crutch, which leaned against the bed. "I tried to think of things that we could do together, things you might enjoy, but...I could not come up with much. If there is anything that you would like to do, just let me know."

"Mm." He still wasn't certain if he planned to take Lee up on the offer to stay with him, but he didn't voice that skepticism. The faint sadness and hesitancy in Lee's voice triggered a flicker of annoyance, and Gaara followed his gaze, then looked directly at Lee. "We spent seven months doing nothing but talking. I don't see any reason why that should change. If you want to do something, fine, but I don't need to be entertained."

"Okay." Lee relaxed and smiled at him. "I like just talking to you." He paused, his fingers laced together, his mind drifting back to a conversation they'd had earlier that week. Would it seem strange to ask? Well, better than not asking. He took a deep breath. "Gaara...may I give you a hug?"

Gaara was silent, just looking at Lee. That he'd asked outright like that felt strange, and Gaara briefly wondered how it was connected to their conversation. Or maybe it was something that Lee had been thinking since he'd first seen him. Knowing Lee, the second was more likely. "Why?"

"I just want to. I have wanted to ever since you arrived. But before I do anything, I want to make sure that you are comfortable with it. I do not want to do anything that you do not want."

"…Fine." Gaara crossed his arms over his chest, looking slightly defensive, then looked away from Lee. There was a part of him that couldn't believe he was sitting in some guy's bedroom, with the guy in question asking to hug him, and actually saying yes. The idea of being that close to Lee was simultaneously off-putting and appealing. He cast a sideways look at Lee through a fringe of messy crimson spikes. "What do I do?"

"Do? Well..." Lee paused. Gaara had really never hugged anyone before? The thought brought a lump to his throat, but he swallowed it and smiled. "It is simple. Just sit next to me, and I will show you." He waited until Gaara was sitting on the bed beside him. Gently, carefully, Lee slipped his arms around him and pulled him closer. He was warm, and his scent-a faint, warm, spicy scent-tickled Lee's nostrils. The realization that he was holding Gaara went through him like a lightning bolt, and he gulped, his heartbeat quickening. "Just put your arms around me, like this."

Gaara tensed at the initial contact, feeling awkward and out of place. It was strange to be touched by someone else. He could feel Lee's breath stirring against his hair, and the rapid flutter of his heartbeat seemed almost unnaturally loud. The sound of Lee's voice was familiar, though. More so when they were that close, and Lee was nearly speaking into his ear. The resonance that hadn't been there when he'd been standing further away from Lee was present, and the familiarity of that voice more than the feel of Lee's arms around him made him slowly relax. It felt… warm.

Awkwardly, he tried to mimic the position of Lee's arms, but found it was more comfortable to loosely wrap them around his waist. He wondered how long hugs lasted for, and if he was supposed to pull back now. When he'd seen people do it, it'd only lasted for a few moments. Shorter than they'd already been hugging.

Lee's heart thumped. The warmth and solidity of Gaara, the feel of his breathing, drove home the reality of the situation. He'd been wanting to do this for so long. On some level, maybe he'd wanted it ever since he and Gaara started talking-ever since he felt that spark of connection, of understanding between them. He closed his eyes, focusing on Gaara's warmth, his scent. He had no idea if or when Gaara would let him do this again, so he wanted to savor the moment.

It occurred to him that if he held onto Gaara too long, however, it might seem creepy. Maybe he'd already crossed that line. Gulping, he released Gaara, and his gaze anxiously searched his friend's face...but that expression was as blank and unreadable as ever. There was a faint hint of-_something-_in the depths of those sea-green eyes, but Lee couldn't put a name to it.

Gaara watched him for a moment longer, seeing the uncertainty in Lee's expression, then scooted back slightly. Being that close to Lee, with the warmth of his body and pressure of his arms lingering like a phantom caress, was uncomfortable. Gaara crossed his arms over his chest, the gesture both defensive and intended to lessen some of the ache that had started when Lee had let go. It didn't feel the same. "Is that all there is to it?"

"Pretty much, yes. Like I said, it is simple." He paused, looking into those eyes. It was so hard to read them, yet they weren't blank. He could see feelings swirling just below the surface, if he looked carefully. "Have you really never been hugged before?" Lee asked quietly.

Simple. He supposed it was, physically, but as basic as it was, the emotions it triggered were complex. "I haven't," Gaara replied, wondering why that seemed to be so difficult for Lee to believe. "I already told you that."

"No one ever really hugged me when I was a child, either," Lee said quietly. "I never stayed in one home for long...so I never had a chance to get that close to anyone. Until I found Gai." He paused. "The first time he hugged me I never wanted to let go. Because it felt like finally coming home. Like I had a place to belong." He met Gaara's gaze, then looked away. "I know it might not be the same for you, though. I hope I did not make you uncomfortable or anything."

The downward sweep of Lee's lashes and his carefully averted gaze hid his eyes, but too many emotions showed on his face. He was too open, Gaara thought briefly. It was even easier to read him in person. He felt a flash of annoyance at Lee's obvious uncertainty. "If I hadn't wanted it, I would've told you no," he said, a touch of harshness in his voice.

Despite the annoyance in that tone, the tension in Lee's shoulders eased, and he smiled. "In that case, maybe we could do it again sometime." Warmth crept into his cheeks. "It felt good. Holding you."

Gaara's irritation eased slightly at the sight of that smile. It suited Lee, and seemed to come naturally to him. "Fine," he replied. When the flush to Lee's cheeks darkened at the single word, Gaara's eyes narrowed slightly. "You keep doing that," he commented, nodding in Lee's direction. "Why?"

"Eh?" Lee blinked. Under Gaara's piercing stare, his face grew even warmer, and he fidgeted. "Doing what?"  
"Blushing," Gaara answered. The hint of irritation returned; he disliked answering obvious questions. "You've been doing it since I got here. Why?"

Lee's eyes widened, and he tensed. "Er...well, I just..." He gulped, his heartbeat quickening as the irritated look on Gaara's face grew more pronounced. He tugged at the collar of his shirt; his whole body felt suddenly, uncomfortably warm. "Being this close to you...I..." It really wasn't fair, he thought, for Gaara to be so calm while Lee felt as if he were melting into a puddle of embarrassment. He had to say _something._ He gulped and blurted out, "I am attracted to you."

Lee froze, shocked at the words that had just come out of his own mouth. He hadn't really said that-had he?

"You're attracted to me," Gaara deadpanned. Lee nodded jerkily in reply, as if he weren't quite certain he wanted to, but couldn't deny it either. The pieces started to fit together. The way Lee had insisted on calling him beautiful, seeming almost offended at the idea that Gaara was unaware or didn't care about his appearance. The blushing. The stammering. Lee's quiet admission that he wanted to hold him. Saying that he needed Gaara, that no one could replace him. That…

"You're in love with me," Gaara said. It was a possibility he hadn't considered, too unsettled by the idea of that word at all to question how Lee had meant it, even though the signs had been there. But the very idea of someone feeling that way about _him_- it was laughable. He stared at Lee, waiting for a response.

Lee's breath caught in his throat, and his pulse fluttered. Panic tightened his chest. But he couldn't deny it. "Yes," he whispered. "I am."

To be continued


	6. Chapter 6

"You're in love with me," Gaara said. It was a possibility he hadn't considered, too unsettled by the idea of that word at all to question how Lee had meant it, even though the signs had been there. But the very idea of someone feeling that way about _him_- it was laughable. He stared at Lee, waiting for a response.

Lee's breath caught in his throat, and his pulse fluttered. Panic tightened his chest. But he couldn't deny it. "Yes," he whispered. "I am."

Gaara simply stared at him, looking for any sign of deception in Lee's too-honest features. His own expressionless face gave away little. Lee was in love with him. As much as he could think the words, they didn't seem to really register as something happening to him. He felt disconnected from the entire experience, as if he were watching someone else. His head was buzzing in an odd, disconcerting way, and his vision wouldn't quite focus. Lee's simple affirmative kept repeating in his mind, along with those earlier words- _I love you._

"You can't," he whispered. He trembled, unaware that the words had slipped past his lips. His chest felt suddenly, painfully tight. Pale fingers fisted in the dark red fabric, nails scoring the skin beneath, and his breath sped. "You can't."

Lee blinked in surprise. "But I do." This wasn't the reaction he'd expected-not that he'd really known what to expect. Gaara's eyes had glazed over, and he was breathing too fast. Lee started to reach out, instinctively wanting to offer comfort through touch, to hold Gaara and soothe away his fear with gentle words...but he stopped himself. Right now, touch might make it worse. "I...if you do not feel the same, it is all right." He bit his lower lip. Of course someone like Gaara wouldn't feel that way about someone like Lee. Of course. "I do not expect anything and I will not ask you to do anything you do not want to do. I just wanted to be honest about how I feel. That is all. I am sorry if I have made you uncomfortable. Please...do not be upset."

There was no sign in Gaara's blank green eyes that he registered Lee's presence or words at all. His fingers tightened further in the fabric, and the collar of his shirt bit into his neck as it pulled down in response to the pressure. Gaara didn't notice- all of his attention was turned inward, as those words repeated over and over in his mind. "Don't lie to me," he said, hoarse and rough. "Not you too."

Lee's brows drew together in confusion. He'd assumed that Gaara's reaction was due to revulsion over the very idea of Lee being in love with him. But those words-Don't lie to me-suggested something else. "I am not lying," Lee said quietly. "Why would I lie about something like that?"

Gaara tensed as that softly-voiced question pierced through the voices in his mind. His head turned slightly as he looked at Lee, basilisk gaze fixing on the other teen's face. Nothing could be seen from his expression, but his tight grip on his shirt hadn't loosened, and his breath came in the swift, shallow pants of near-hyperventilation.

He shouldn't be feeling this much. He shouldn't be feeling anything at all. Everything inside him had died on that night; died as Yashamaru's blood had coated his hands. There was nothing left to twist this painfully. But that didn't make the pain stop. If anything, it made it hurt that much worse. "You can't," he repeated. There was an edge of desperation in his voice.

At the look in Gaara's eyes, Lee tensed. There was something dangerous brewing just under the surface of those eyes, something wild and raw and wounded. He wondered if he should withdraw those words, if denying his own love would calm Gaara. But it would be a lie. He was in love with Gaara. He knew that with a gut-deep certainty. And Lee had never been any good at lying, particularly about something as important as this. "Why do you keep saying that I cannot?" he asked.

"You know why," Gaara whispered. And knowing that Lee knew only made it worse. He shouldn't have told him- shouldn't have revealed that much of himself. It'd been easy to forget in the night, wrapped up in that warm voice, that Lee was real. That false feeling of safety.

"Because of him?" Lee asked quietly. Of course. Yashamaru had convinced Gaara that no one could love him...that love wasn't even real. Gaara had reacted the same way when Lee first told him that he cared about him.

Lee watched Gaara's fingers digging into his chest, twisting, and his own heart twisted in response. He reached out again, but this time, he didn't stop himself. He touched Gaara's hand-the hand over his heart-and curled his fingers around it gently. "It is all right," he whispered. "I will not hurt you. I promise. Please..." He moved closer, enfolding Gaara in his arms again. He knew it was risky, but he couldn't help it.

Gaara tensed, his already rapid breathing fluctuating. For a moment he almost pulled back. Almost walked out; left Lee behind him and everything that he stood for.

But then, he'd been fooling himself for months that he could leave... trying over and over again to find the strength to walk away. And he couldn't. Gaara stared with unseeing eyes at Lee's wall as he slowly, unwillingly relaxed into that touch. _So warm_. He'd never thought it'd feel this warm to be hugged. Something hard and tight inside of him broke. Gaara buried his face in Lee's neck, drawing in his scent in deep, shuddering gulps of breath. His fingers loosened on his shirt, only to latch onto Lee's in turn. There was no finesse or delicacy in the way he hugged Lee. It was sheer desperation and the near-violent desire to hold onto this; for Lee's words to be true. "I don't know what you're doing to me," he whispered.

Lee held him tighter. He could feel that thin body trembling against him, could feel Gaara's heart hammering, his fingers digging into Lee, clutching tight fistfuls of his shirt, gripping him with a violent need. "It is all right," Lee murmured. His hand drifted up to smooth Gaara's hair. "Everything is all right." Even as Gaara's muscles slowly relaxed, his breathing remained strained and heavy...as if he were resisting that relaxation, resisting his own need for comfort. Gaara's reaction to his own emotions was always to tense up, to push them away, to fight them. Maybe that was how he'd survived this long...but Lee could only imagine how exhausting it must be, hurting so much and not being able to cry or talk about it or show it in any way. "It is okay to feel things," Lee whispered into his ear. "Let yourself feel."

"I don't want to," Gaara said starkly. But he knew that it was too late. Somehow Lee had gotten inside of him, twined into him to the point where he couldn't push him away. To the point where he could do nothing but lean into Lee's embrace and hope that somehow, Lee was what he seemed. That someone could be that good; that someone could care about him. He rested his forehead against Lee's shoulder, hands still fisted in his shirt... a physical sign of the deep-seated fear that Lee would pull away from him.

He didn't know what he feared more- that Lee would pull away, or that he wouldn't.

"If you keep pushing those feelings away, it will just make it harder in the long run. You might feel a little better if you let it out." Lee continued to stroke Gaara's hair as he spoke. His hand trailed down to his back and rubbed in slow, gentle circles. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. He was fairly sure that Gaara wouldn't, but still...he wanted desperately to help somehow, to ease Gaara's pain. And he didn't know what to do except listen and hold him.

"No." The response was swift and automatic. Gaara knew that he should pull away from Lee's slow, steady touches... but he couldn't. He needed that comfort too much. He curled in tight against Lee's chest, arms slipping around Lee's waist. For a long time he simply sat like that, letting Lee touch him, letting those calloused hands try and soothe away the chaotic storm within his heart. "You aren't lying?" he finally asked, the words as small and doubtful as those of a child.

"I am not lying," Lee said softly. He pulled back just enough to look at Gaara's face, but Gaara's gaze remained downcast. Needing to see his eyes, Lee gently placed a finger beneath his chin and lifted it. "I would never lie to you, Gaara. Especially not about something so important."

Wide, uncertain, untrusting eyes met Lee's gaze, but as much as Gaara searched Lee's face for some sign of falsehood, he could find nothing. Lee wasn't lying. Gaara's eyes closed, black bruises standing out starkly against pale skin. "What do you want from me?" he asked.

Lee's fingertips brushed his cheek. "I want to be near you. I want you to trust me...or at least give me a chance to earn your trust. I want to help you. I want..." His gaze focused on Gaara's lips-smooth, sand-colored and parted slightly. Lee gulped and looked away.

Fear surged in Gaara's chest at the moment of hesitation. Even though every instinct screamed not to- to do anything to get away from this, to pull back, to somehow protect himself- he let the single word fall from his lips. "What?"

Lee's gaze focused on Gaara's lips again, and he took a deep breath.

He knew he should say "nothing." He should consider himself lucky that Gaara had even allowed himself to be held; should fall on his knees and thank heaven that this beautiful, guarded, wounded boy would allow Lee's calloused and unworthy hands anywhere near his pale, smooth perfection. To ask for more-and so soon-was almost blasphemy. Or at least very stupid. Gaara was already overwhelmed. But he knew Gaara wouldn't accept "nothing" as an answer, and Lee had never been any good at lying. Before he knew it, the truth had already slipped out of his mouth. "I want to kiss you."

Wariness and vulnerability showed in equal parts when Gaara's eyes opened, but he made no move to pull away from the gentle pressure of Lee's fingers against his cheek. He couldn't. His breathing quickened as those words slowly entered his mind. Lee wanted to kiss him. He looked down at Lee's lips. The very idea was so foreign that he couldn't even picture it. "Why?" he asked, a touch of that soft vulnerability showing in the way his eyes darted back up to meet Lee's.

a moment, Lee just stared, amazed that Gaara hadn't rejected him outright. He realized his mouth was open and shut it. "Because..." Lee's gaze focused on those lips again, and his tongue crept out to wet his own lips. "Because I love you, and...and I think you are beautiful, and I just want to know what it feels like. Kissing you. If you want to, that is."

_Because I love you._ Those words repeated in Gaara's mind, and he stared at Lee- at dark, long-lashed eyes, so unfamiliar when combined with that voice. "Okay," he whispered.

For a moment, Lee just stared, dazed, half-convinced he'd misheard. He wasn't sure what sort of reaction he'd been expecting, but he definitely hadn't expected Gaara to agree so readily. "You...you don't mind?" He needed to confirm that he hadn't hallucinated that single word or misunderstood it somehow. His thumb touched the corner of Gaara's mouth and brushed gently against his lower lip. "You will let me kiss you?"

"Yes." The single word was hoarse, and Gaara's breathing quickened. He could still feel a trail of phantom tingles where Lee's calloused thumb had brushed against his lip. _So much touch. _He wondered if Lee knew how long it'd been since he'd been touched... that the only time he could remember in years was Temari grabbing his wrist in an attempt to keep him from leaving. And now Lee touched him carefully, reverently.

Lee started to lean forward, then stopped, looking into those green eyes.

Lee had never really kissed anyone before. Maybe that was unusual for a boy his age, but he'd wanted to save his first kiss for someone he really, truly liked. He'd always assumed Sakura would be that person...but now, he wondered if he'd chosen her specifically because she was so unlikely to ever return his affections. Maybe he'd been hiding from himself all this time.

His thumb caressed Gaara's lower lip again, tracing its curve. So soft, so smooth. Like warm silk. Slowly, he closed the distance between them and touched his lips to Gaara's.

Gaara held perfectly still, wary green eyes staying fixed on Lee's face as he leaned in. Part of him demanded that he pull back- that he put some kind of defense between them, protect himself from the closeness Lee so naturally offered. And for a moment, he almost did. Lee had already kissed him; at least, their lips had touched, and from what little he knew that was all that was required for a kiss. Then it firmed slightly, Lee's lips moving against his in a silent, timid question.

It felt… different. Like the hug, but not- like feeling Lee's heart beat beneath his hand. Being connected. It was a foreign feeling for Gaara. He'd spent his entire life eschewing bonds, knowing how easily they could be used to hurt. And this… this was both acknowledgment and strengthening of the connection that had grown between them in near-silent whispers. As suddenly and fiercely as the desire to pull away came the desire to hold on. To take what Lee offered, claim it as his, cling tightly to him and refuse to let go. Gaara's hands came up, fisting roughly in Lee's hair. He pulled Lee closer, mashing their lips together in an attempt to force that feeling to strengthen.

Lee's eyes widened in surprise as Gaara's lips pressed suddenly, fiercely against his. It almost hurt...but he didn't pull away. Because it was Gaara, and Gaara was kissing him, and just that thought made Lee dizzy. He closed his eyes and relaxed into it, allowing Gaara to take the lead. One hand slipped around to cup the nape of Gaara's neck, fingertips rubbing in slow, gentle circles. The skin was warm and velvety.

Something tense and hard inside Gaara uncoiled at the way Lee melted into him, willingly surrendering to the touch. Lee wasn't pulling away. And maybe that meant he was telling the truth when he said that he wouldn't. Gaara's tight grip slowly loosened, and his hands fell to Lee's shoulders. He pulled back, silent, pale green eyes searching Lee's face.

Lee stared at Gaara for a moment, dizzy. Gaara's lips were reddened and slightly swollen from kissing, and his pale cheeks held a faint, pink flush. He had never looked more beautiful. Lee licked his lips. He could still taste Gaara on them; a hint of salt, something warm and sweet. "That felt good," Lee whispered breathlessly. He paused, then said, "I have never kissed anyone before."

It wasn't something Gaara had wondered, but the idea of Lee kissing someone else made a purely possessive part of Gaara bristle. He didn't like the thought of Lee touching someone else like that; slowly, tenderly. He had no illusions of sharing Lee's feelings. But the same feeling that had made him drive through the night instead of simply having Lee come to him circled around the idea that he was the only one Lee wanted like a caged animal staring at a haunch of meat; ravenous and wary at the same time. "What happens now?"

"Now?" Lee hadn't thought that far ahead. He hadn't really believed that Gaara would agree to kiss him, much less anything else. He tried to collect his thoughts. Wasn't there some protocol for this? Well, yes. Except he'd deviated from it already. You were supposed to date someone and then kiss that person...and then maybe do other things. He and Gaara had known each other for awhile, but they hadn't really done anything that could be considered dating. He swallowed, his mouth dry. "Well...that depends. What do you want to happen now?"

Gaara fell silent, just looking at Lee. His brows were thicker in person, he noticed- hair darker than the ink-black it'd appeared in the photograph, cheeks thinner. It still seemed strange that this conglomeration of features could be _Lee_- as much as he'd known that Lee was real, as much as he'd heard his breath and had seen his face, it still felt strange for Lee to be more than a disembodied voice. "I don't know," he finally whispered.

"Well..." Lee paused, his gaze searching Gaara's face, wondering if he should ask this question or hold off. Gaara still seemed very emotionally raw right now. But in the end, it slipped out. "How do you feel about me? I mean..." He wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, tasting a hint of Gaara on them. "Does this mean you are attracted to me, as well?" The idea that Gaara-that _anyone _might be attracted to Lee seemed preposterous. But still, Gaara had let Lee kiss him.

"I don't know," Gaara repeated. This time, the words were quieter. Harsher. Jagged. He looked away, counting the swirls on Lee's bedspread. "I don't want you to go. I want to believe you. I want for this to be real." He wanted to believe that maybe Yashamaru had been wrong. That he wasn't incapable of being loved. That there was something that would take away the pain… and that Lee could give it to him.

"It _is_ real," Lee replied quietly. He reached out and interlaced his fingers with Gaara's. "And I will not go. I promise." A hot twinge of guilt shot through his chest. He wondered if Gaara had kissed him simply for that reason; because he was afraid Lee would leave him, otherwise. Lee would have to be careful, in the future, not to push Gaara into anything he wasn't comfortable with.

He reached up to brush his fingers against Gaara's smooth cheek. "I will not leave you."

Gaara stayed still for a moment, still looking away- then his eyes slowly slid closed. "I need you," he whispered. "It scares me, how much I need you." He felt raw and vulnerable under that touch, as if Lee could crush him with the slightest moment of carelessness.

At those words, Lee's breath caught in his throat. His fingertips remained resting lightly, gently against that smooth cheek. "I will not hurt you," he said softly. He leaned forward to rest his forehead against Gaara's. "Everything is okay."

Hearing those words in that soft, familiar voice, Gaara could almost believe them. His fingers closed around Lee's wrist, holding his calloused hand in place as Gaara rubbed his cheek against it. The roughness of it scrapped against his skin, and his eyes slitted open, flashes of sea green showing between the bruised lids. He didn't know what had triggered the impulse. Maybe it was just seeing if Lee would let him do it. "I didn't mind it," he said quietly. "You touching me. …I didn't mind it."

Lee's heartbeat quickened. "I like touching you," he murmured. He continued to lightly stroke Gaara's cheek, marveling at its softness. His fingers trailed over the pale curve of his neck, over his collarbones, then slid up into his silky hair and rubbed his scalp in small circles. "I like kissing you, too." His gaze focused on those lips, and warmth rose into his cheeks. "If it ever becomes too much, though, let me know, okay? I do not want to do anything you do not want."

Gaara's eyes slowly slipped closed as he focused on those light, gentle touches. It felt so strange to be touched… but at the same time, it felt good. Warm. Instead of answering he leaned up, seeking Lee's lips with his own. He wanted to experience that again; wanted the warmth of sensation building in his chest and bubbling through his blood. He wanted to define it, needed to put a word to what it was he felt when Lee touched him as if defining it would somehow make it less dangerous.

Lee's eyes widened as Gaara's lips pressed against his. Then his eyelids slipped shut, and he focused on that point of contact; the warm, sweet, tingling pressure. Gaara's lips were so very soft, so smooth, like warm, living satin. He wanted more. The tip of his tongue crept out to touch those parted lips, shyly asking permission to enter.

After a moment of pressure Gaara's lips parted. It felt… strange. Slick and wet and warm, strangely intimate in a way he wouldn't have thought it would be. It should be no different from the touch of hand against hand- strange and new and frightening, yes, but not like this. It was something that he could feel through his entire body, seeping in through his lips and dispersing through his limbs. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be poisoned; slowly spreading heat and the knowledge that at the end lay only death.

He was so close to Lee. It'd be easy, and Gaara would have no defenses. Even if Lee was injured, he was still stronger. He touched Lee's forearms, neither pulling him closer nor pushing him away- simply feeling the strength of the corded muscle there. But then, Lee didn't have to hurt him physically to hurt him. He could shatter Gaara's mind, and Gaara knew it, and he could do nothing but sit there and slowly respond as Lee's tongue moved against his own.

Lee gently, carefully explored Gaara's mouth with his tongue, stroking the slick, silky flesh. One hand, meanwhile, drifted up to cup the back of Gaara's neck again. He kissed him slowly, thoroughly, wanting to memorize the texture and taste of him. Wanting to drink him in.

Lee had always imagined his first kiss being with Sakura. And he'd imagined it being chaste and pure-and he'd never thought much about what would happen beyond that point. In fairy tales, when the knight in shining armor kissed the princess, that was the end. And his infatuation with Sakura had never been more than a fairy tale. This...wasn't like that. It was wetter. And hotter. And addictive. He wanted more and more. He had to restrain himself, reminding himself that Gaara was very fragile right now. But heat crept through his body anyway, and a soft, shuddering breath escaped him. He broke away, eyes closed, fighting for control. His body was doing embarrassing things.

Gaara watched as Lee struggled, hands clenching together, long lashes shielding his eyes from view. He felt strangely bereft and empty without that touch. "You stopped," he said. The words were simple, but shaded- faint hints of uncertainty and defensiveness, slight enough that to most his voice would sound flat. "Why?"

"I...I just..." Lee gulped, cheeks flushed, his hands fisted in his lap. He moved them to cover his groin, trying to hide the embarrassing things happening there-though the movement probably just drew attention to it. "Kissing you like that, it...makes me excited. I do not want to lose control."

"Excited," Gaara repeated. He didn't look down, strange green gaze focused on Lee's heated cheeks. He felt a flare of fear at the other words- _lose control._ They implied something dangerous, something that would hurt. Something Lee was holding back in check. "What would happen?" he asked quietly.

"Wh-what would happen? Well..." He gulped again, fidgeting. He tried to will his erection away, but he kept thinking about Gaara's slick tongue, his soft lips...those lips which were still slightly swollen and reddened from kissing, beckoning him, so tempting...

Lee shut his eyes. "I might go too far," he whispered. "I know this is new to both of us, and...I want to take things slowly. I do not want to do anything you are not ready for."

Gaara stared at him. "…you don't want to hurt me," he said quietly. The words felt strange and unfamiliar on his tongue. "You don't want to hurt me," he repeated, more firmly this time. "Because-"

Gaara stopped, and his breath quickened. Lee didn't want to hurt him. Lee cared about him. Lee wanted him. His eyes went glassy and dazed, staring at some distant point past Lee's shoulder. He thought that he was starting to understand what it meant, when Lee said he cared about him.

"Because I love you," Lee finished quietly. "I want to make sure I do this right. It is important to me. Because you are important to me." He noticed the unfocused look in Gaara's eyes. Lee leaned toward him, his gaze searching Gaara's face, his own self-consciousness forgotten in a rush of concern. "Gaara? Are you all right?"

"No," Gaara whispered. And he wasn't. Love wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be something that would fix things- something that would fix him, fill the broken cracks of his psyche. Even as he'd denied its existence, part of him had clung to that idea. But if anything, it made it hurt worse. It took away the cold, defensive numbness he'd pulled into place and left him raw and bleeding. It felt like all of the pain he'd been holding at bay for years was rushing into him all at once. He distantly wondered if his body was big enough to hold that much emotion. He looked down at his hands. They were shaking like he hadn't had a cigarette for a week, and the sudden longing for nicotine hit him with overwhelming force. He needed that, needed something to soothe, something to numb, something to distract. "I'm going outside," he said.

He rose to his feet, knowing that Lee wouldn't be able to follow quickly enough to stop him, and headed out the door. He leaned against the brick, looking past the railing at his car as his shaking hands tried to open the packet. He finally managed to get one out and lit, staring at the glossy red paint. He could leave, he reminded himself. The option was there. His keys were in his pocket; he could be gone before the door opened behind him.

He drew in another drag, tipping his head back and holding the acrid smoke in his lungs until they started to burn, then let it all go in a rush.

Lee started to lunge to his feet, gasped, and dropped back to the bed, his teeth gritted against the pain flaring in his lower back. His hands fisted on the sheets, twisting them as he choked back a scream.

Another ache, just as potent, suffused his heart. He'd thought about going after Gaara. He _wanted _to; his instincts told him to follow, to take Gaara into his arms again and comfort him. But maybe Gaara needed a moment alone. Maybe following him would seem pushy, and he'd end up withdrawing even more.

He closed his eyes. Gaara was so easy to hurt, and still so much a mystery to him. Lee didn't know what to do.

To be continued


	7. Chapter 7

Half an hour passed with Gaara leaning against the brick wall, staring at his car as he burnt through cigarette after cigarette in an attempt to somehow calm the shaking of his hands. It didn't work. He knew from experience, though, that it wouldn't get better if he left. He'd tried that before, and something had drawn him back. Lee.

He thought about the near-silent hitch in Lee's breathing when the pain became too much to handle; about what it meant that Lee had learned to hide it that well. About the gentle pressure of Lee's lips against his and the faint taste of tomato that had lingered from lunch. About unfamiliar dark eyes, rimmed by thick lashes that were nearly as distinctive as the rings around his own pale green. With a frustrated sigh he dropped the smoldering butt and ground it underneath his heel.

Damn it.

Gaara pushed the door open, followed the hallway back to Lee's bedroom, and leaned against the open doorframe. His arms crossed over his chest defensively, and he stared at Lee.

When Lee heard the creak of Gaara's approaching footsteps, his breath caught in his throat and he looked up, heart pounding. Ever since Gaara walked out, he'd been waiting here, trying to ignore the steady throb of pain in his back. Several times, he'd thought about going after him, but each time, he'd stopped himself, knowing that Gaara would come back if-when-he was ready.

Now, he smiled, trying to hide his worry. "Welcome back." He paused, studying Gaara's expression. It was blank, closed off. "Are you all right?"

Gaara's lips tightened slightly and he looked away from Lee, out the half-open blinds covering the window. "No," he eventually said. "I'm not."

Lee bit his lower lip, wondering what he should do-if he should say something or just wait for Gaara to speak again. He was afraid of somehow making it worse, afraid that if he said the wrong thing or made any sudden moves, Gaara would bolt like a startled wild creature. But Lee had never been very good at just sitting and waiting. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Flat green eyes regarded Lee through slitted dark lids, then Gaara let out a slow breath and looked away again. "I don't know," he said. Despite that, he took a half-step forward, leaving the door open behind him. "I don't understand you. I don't understand how I react to you. I don't understand what you want, or why I'm here, or why I don't want to leave."

"I just want..." Lee trailed off, staring into his eyes. Those pale, brilliant green eyes, made all the more vibrant by the dark rings. He found himself remembering the taste of Gaara's soft lips, his scent, thinking about how that pale, perfect skin would feel under his hands...and for a moment, the words _I just want you _teetered on his tongue. He swallowed them, cheeks flushed, and pushed the thought away. Gaara had let himself be kissed, but that didn't necessarily mean he was interested in Lee like that. This was all new and strange and overwhelming to him...and to Lee as well, but before this, Gaara had never even had a friend. He probably wasn't ready for anything more.

"I want you to stay," he said quietly. "To spend more time with you."

Inscrutable eyes studied Lee, tracing the unfamiliar planes of his face- his cheekbones, the sweep of his lashes, the slight bow to his lips. "I told Temari that I didn't know when I'd be back," he said. It was as close to an acknowledgement of Lee's request as he felt comfortable giving, and even those words made his skin prickle and tighten uncomfortably.

Lee's heartbeat quickened slightly. "You can stay as long as you like. I am sure Gai would not mind." He fumbled for more words, but none came. He wished this didn't feel so awkward. He wished he knew exactly what to say to ease the tension in those thin shoulders, those shielded eyes. He wished he could stop remembering the gentle pressure of Gaara's lips against his. "Do you want to do anything?" he asked at last. "I mean, like watch a movie or..." It would help, he thought, if he were capable of moving around without pain. He would have more things to suggest then. "...or we could just talk some more," he finished. He lowered his gaze, his hands curled into fists in his lap. "I am sorry. I want you to have a good time while you are here, but there is not very much I can do right now."

_Right now_. The qualification repeated in Gaara's mind, tugging at another memory… something they hadn't touched. But he didn't know if he wanted to mention it. He took another step forward. Something inside him didn't like that- didn't like Lee looking away; didn't like that Lee felt inadequate. "I came here because you wanted to see me," he said. "Not to be entertained." He stopped at the edge of the bed, looking down. Lee's hair was even glossier that close up, still slightly mussed from when Gaara's hands had been in it before. "If you want to watch a movie, fine. But things don't need to change." He paused. "I don't want them to."

Lee looked up, meeting Gaara's gaze. His heart was still beating quickly, and his eyes focused on Gaara's lips: those pale sandstone-colored lips, with just the faintest hint of pink...

He gulped. "Can we just sit together for a little while longer?" he asked quietly.

"Fine." Gaara sat down on the edge of the bed, a few inches away from Lee, and studied the carpet. The tension that hadn't left his body while outside seemed to have eased at least some now, and he rubbed his palm over his pocket, feeling the jagged shape of his keys through the fabric. "Have you talked to her?" he finally asked, looking sideways at Lee through a fringe of crimson bangs.

Lee hesitated. "Not since that first appointment," he said quietly, "when she told me about the surgery." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I still do not know for sure what I am going to do."

For a long time Gaara said nothing, then he simply nodded. He didn't know what he wanted Lee to say- what he wanted him to decide. It was somehow both comforting and unnerving to know he hadn't yet... and Gaara didn't want that strange feeling of stasis to change. He braced his hands against the edge of the bed, fingers curling into the comforter, and looked away. "Why did you ask me to come here?"

Lee looked down at those thin, pale fingers digging into the comforter. "You are my friend. I wanted to meet you...to see what it would feel like, talking to you face to face. It is different than having a screen between us, is it not? I just...wanted to be closer to you." He started to reach out, hesitated, then let his fingertips lightly brush against the back of Gaara's hand, the barest ghost of a touch.

Gaara looked down, watching as Lee's calloused fingertips touched his hand. His skin tingled, but he didn't pull away. "It is different," he agreed... then looked up at Lee, meeting his eyes. "But the same, too." He paused. "Even when we were just talking on IM, you pushed. And I didn't say no, and I still don't know why you're different."

He studied Lee's eyes. From further away they seemed solid, inky black, but this close he could see the faintest hint of brown in the irises. "Maybe it's because you know what it's like."

Lee glanced down at his own fingertips resting against that pale skin. His fingers slowly, cautiously curled around Gaara's. And still Gaara didn't pull away. Just holding Gaara's hand sent a tingle racing up the nerves of Lee's arm. Maybe it was the smoothness of that pale skin...or the simple fact that Gaara was letting him do it, that this cautious, guarded, scarred boy would allow Lee to touch him at all. "What it is like?" he repeated softly.

Gaara looked at their hands for a moment- at Lee's scars and his own softness. He turned his hand, fingers touching against the thin, delicate skin covering the inside of Lee's wrist... then pulled his hand away. He watched Lee, studying the reaction in those dark eyes as his fingers touched the nape of Lee's neck- then slowly moved down, tracing the line of his spine. "You know what it's like to hurt," he said quietly. "For it to always hurt, and never go away."

He pulled back, looking at Lee... then touched his lips, following the soft curve of his bottom lip. His fingertip rested at the corner of Lee's mouth. "But you still smile. Even though it hurts. And I don't understand that."

Lee's breath hitched, and his eyes lost focus. He could still feel the ghost of that gentle touch on his lips. "It hurts," he agreed softly. He gave Gaara a tiny smile. "It could be worse, though. I still have much to be happy about. I have Gai...and you. And...I do not want to cause anyone worry. There is no sense in that."

_And you._ Gaara watched him for a moment longer, searching for any sign of deception in Lee's too-honest features. He couldn't begin to comprehend how Lee could say things like that so naturally, as if it were no more difficult than drawing breath. He traced the seam of Lee's lips, watching his finger move, fascinated by how soft they felt. By touching someone. The warmth. "I don't like it when you try to pretend," Gaara said. "When you act like it doesn't hurt. Like you shouldn't hurt." His hand fell away. "You shouldn't smile to hide."

Lee's eyes widened. His awareness narrowed to the pressure of Gaara's fingertip against his lips, which were suddenly, intensely sensitive, almost ticklish under that light, exploratory touch. He lowered his gaze, feeling suddenly self-conscious. "I...I do not like to complain." His voice wavered a little. "Really, it is not so bad. I can deal with pain. I..." Tears welled up, and he squeezed his eyes shut. But one escaped anyway, sliding down his cheek.

"You hurt," Gaara finished for him. He watched the tear track down Lee's cheek, wondering when the last time he'd cried was. Probably that night. He traced the glistening trail with his thumb, feeling it slick and damp against Lee's skin. It was strange to realize that he wanted to touch Lee; that all of the little motions were because he wanted that contact, craved the feeling he'd had when Lee had hugged him. And part of him simply wanted to see if Lee would draw away. He watched another tear slip down.

At the contact, Lee drew in his breath sharply, and his eyes opened. The tears continued to trail down his cheeks; now that they'd started, he couldn't seem to stop them. A lump rose into his throat, and his chest constricted, squeezing his heart like a fist. "It hurts so much," he whispered, "all the time. And it just keeps building up inside. Sometimes I feel like I will shatter. I..." He bit his tongue. He was afraid to say anymore, afraid he'd lose control completely. Already, his shoulders were shaking and his breathing had grown ragged.

Because he didn't know what else to do, Gaara simply watched as the tears streamed down- listened to Lee's hitching breath, and to the words that weren't said… because he'd heard Lee say them before. "You can't live like this," he said quietly.

Lee wiped away his tears with the back of one hand, but more streamed down. His hunched shoulders shook in spasms as he struggled to hold back his sobs.

He knew that Gaara was right, that he couldn't go on like this. It would break him. But... "I am afraid," he whispered. The surgery had only a fifty percent success rate. And if it failed, he'd die...and Gaara would be alone again.

"I know," Gaara said. He drew his knees up to his chest, loosely wrapping his arms around them, and stared at the wall. He could still see Lee from the corner of his eye, and he pillowed his cheek against his leg, looking away. "I'm scared too," he finally whispered.

Lee looked at Gaara. Curled up like that, he looked so small. So lonely. The thought of dying-of leaving him-was unbearable. He wished he was smarter, wiser. Wished he knew what the right thing to do was in this situation; wished he had the magic words that would make everything okay, or at least make everything seem okay. But he didn't. All he could think to do was hold Gaara.

Lee reached out to touch one thin shoulder, just a cautious brush of fingers against his shirt. When Gaara didn't pull away, Lee inched closer and wrapped his arms gently, carefully around Gaara, drawing him into an embrace. He rested his cheek against Gaara's forehead.

Gaara drew in a soft, hitching breath… then, slowly, he leaned into the touch. His hand came up between them, fingers splaying over Lee's chest, and his palm rested over Lee's heart. He could feel the steady beat of it, and his breathing slowed to match it. _So warm…_ "I don't want you to die," he whispered.

Lee's arms tightened around him. He wanted to promise Gaara that he wouldn't die, that everything would be okay, but he couldn't. He turned his head, and his lips brushed against the _ai _tattoo on Gaara's brow. He kissed it. His fingers combed slowly through Gaara's red, red hair, smoothing it back. "I do not want to be separated from you," he whispered back. And that was what death meant to him, right now; being separated from Gaara. Being unable to touch him, unable to hold him. "I do not _have_ to have the surgery," he said. "Maybe there is another way." But even as he spoke the words, he didn't believe them.

"We both know better," Gaara murmured. If there'd been another way, Lee would've found it by now. "You can't live like this. There are no other options." He could feel the fluctuation of Lee's heartbeat beneath his hand, and he drew back slightly, just enough to see Lee. "I want you to do it. ...Even if you leave after. I want you to do it."

Lee's breath caught, and his eyes widened as he stared into Gaara's. "Gaara..." His throat tightened. Even though he was terrified of being left alone, Gaara was prepared to face that for Lee's sake. Because he knew how much Lee needed this.

Lee touched his smooth cheek. "I will get the surgery," he said, struggling to hold his voice steady, "and it will be a success. And I will be whole again, and we will be together." He smiled through his tears.

Gaara looked at him for a long time, studying Lee's tear-filled eyes… then he simply nodded. He knew that there was only a fifty percent chance that Lee would survive, and less than that for Lee still wanting him there if he made it. He had other friends, even if he only spoke about them in the past tense. He'd have his life back, and Gaara couldn't fit his own near-feral wildness in with rosebushes and soccer games. But seeing Lee hurt- seeing him cry…

"I don't like it when you cry," he whispered. His eyes slid closed and he leaned into the touch of Lee's hand.

"I am sorry," Lee whispered. He tried to blink away his tears, but more overflowed, dripping from his lashes and spilling down his cheeks. "I do not know why I am crying. I really _do _believe the surgery will succeed. I-" His voice wavered. "I will _make _it succeed. I have to. Because I cannot leave you. I love you too much." He knew that word unnerved Gaara, but he couldn't help saying it now. It was true.

Gaara wanted to tell Lee that he couldn't promise that. That he couldn't change the future, or the reality of the situation. That he was offering meaningless platitudes as promises, putting everything on the flip of a coin. But he couldn't, so he simply sat there, curled up close in Lee's arms, and listened to the steady beat of his heart.

To be continued


	8. Chapter 8

AN: Sorry for the long wait. ;^^ Here's chapter eight, at last.

* * *

Gai tried to focus on his classes, but he was relieved when the day finally ended. Lee was seventeen, he reminded himself as he drove home. He had a good head on his shoulders. In many ways, he was wiser than Gai, who'd been inspired every day by the strength that Lee showed in the face of great adversity. All of those were persuasive reasons to not be worried about his foster-son, but it didn't stop the flutter in Gai's chest.

He'd known from what little Lee told him that Gaara was...different. But he hadn't realized how different. He might just be shy, Gai reasoned. Though he seemed more antisocial than shy.

The memory of how upset Lee had been when Gaara hadn't been talking to him nagged at Gai's mind as he pulled the door open and stepped inside. He looked around. Lee and Gaara weren't in the kitchen or the living room. "Lee!" he called. "Gaara! I'm home!"

Lee blinked at the sound of Gai's voice, looking up at his still-open door. Gai appeared in the door-frame a moment later, and Lee's cheeks flushed pink. Gaara was still in his arms, cheek resting against Lee's chest, and Lee's fingers were still buried in his hair. He wondered if he should pull away from Gaara, or if it'd only make it seem like they'd been doing something they hadn't.

Gaara didn't seem to care, though. He was still burrowed in Lee's arms and showed no intent of moving... though Lee had felt the way he'd tensed when Gai's footsteps paused outside of his room. It was instinct more than anything that made Lee smooth his hand down Gaara's back in an attempt to soothe... but it didn't make Gaara any less tense. But he still hadn't let go, and it'd been difficult enough to get Gaara to allow this in the first place. If he actually wanted it, Lee wasn't going to let go either.

Even if it was making him blush. "Welcome home, Gai," Lee said, and he tried on a smile, as if nothing was out of the normal.

For a moment, Gai could only stare. He realized his jaw was hanging open and snapped it shut. "Er...thank you, Lee," he said, trying to sound as normal and cheerful as possible. But he'd been caught off guard by the sight of Gaara in Lee's arms, leaning against his chest as if they were...well, more than friends.

Were they? No, of course not. Lee would have told him, if that were the case. Wouldn't he?

Gai cleared his throat, his cheeks warm. "I was going to make some taco casserole," he said at last, because the silence was starting to seem awkward. "Have you two eaten yet?"

Lee glanced down, lashes shading his eyes. It didn't really help that Gaara didn't seem to have realized there was anything to be embarrassed about- but then, he wouldn't be Gaara if he had. At least Gai had not asked what they were doing. Maybe it'd be best if he just kept pretending everything was normal. "We have not," he answered. Lee pulled back slightly, looking at Gaara. "Are you hungry?"

Gaara shrugged. "I'll pick something up somewhere later."

Lee's cheeks only flushed darker at that. He'd been eager for Gai and Gaara to meet, but somehow he hadn't thought that meeting would include Gaara calmly cluing Gai in on the fact that Lee had been telling Gaara about his difficulties cooking.

"Oh," Gai said, puzzled. "If you like." Maybe Gaara just didn't like taco casserole. He made a mental note to ask Lee what sort of foods Gaara did like. But at the moment, there were more important questions he wanted to ask. He cleared his throat. "Er...Lee, may I talk to you for a moment?"

Lee's eyes widened slightly, but he nodded. It'd been too much to hope for, he guessed, that Gai wouldn't ask questions. Not that Lee wouldn't have told him about it eventually anyway, but he'd hoped to have more time to figure things out first. With a twinge of reluctance, Lee finally let Gaara go. There was a small part of him that thought Gaara might not let him hug him again, and Lee resisted the temptation to try and see what happened. "Could you give us a minute?"

Gaara simply looked at him, green eyes inscrutable. It'd be so easy, Lee thought, to just sit there staring at him now that he could finally see him... then Gai cleared his throat, and Lee jumped slightly. For a second, he'd forgotten his foster-father was in the room. It was easier to regain control over his thoughts when Gaara glanced away from him, staring at Gai. When he stood, Lee let out a slow breath of relief.

"I'll be back later," Gaara said. Lee nodded and watched as Gaara walked out. This time, it didn't make his heart twist in his chest. Gaara had said that he'd come back.

For a moment, Gai just stood in the doorway, not sure what to say, wondering if he should even say anything about what he had just seen. Maybe it wasn't his business. Lee was old enough to be entitled to some privacy.

But even if Lee was seventeen now, he was still Gai's foster son. And something like this was...well, important.

He sat down next to Lee. Seeing the uncertainty in those wide dark eyes, he gave him a reassuring smile. Then he cleared his throat softly. Maybe it was best to just ask outright. "Gaara's more than a friend, isn't he?"

Lee's blush darkened, and he glanced away. "I am not certain," he said. "At first I thought it did not mean anything. That it was normal to think about another boy that way, but..." Deep down he'd known, even before he'd seen Gaara for the first time. He worried at his bottom lip, then looked up at Gai. "I want to be more than friends," he said finally. "But I do not know if..."

Gai's expression softened. He'd suspected for some time that Lee might like boys that way, that his pursuit of the pretty, popular Sakura was more about ideals than desires. He still wasn't sure what to make of Gaara-Gai had no idea how to talk to that boy, really-but if this was what Lee wanted, what would make him happy...

Gai lay a hand on his shoulder and smiled warmly, looking into his eyes. "If you believe that he's the one for you, then you should let him know how you feel. Youthful love is a beautiful, natural thing. There's no need to be afraid of those feelings." He gave Lee's shoulder a gentle, encouraging squeeze. "Tell him what's in your heart."

Still, uncertainty slipped like a shadow over his mind. Lee's surgery loomed on the horizon, and neither one of them knew what the outcome would be. What would happen if...

He pushed the thought away.

Lee breathed out slowly, relief setting in. There'd been a small part of him that had been afraid that Gai would judge him for this- but that had been silly. This was Gai. "I did tell him," Lee admitted quietly. "But it is complicated."

He toyed with the comforter, looking out the window. Gaara's car was already gone. "Something bad happened to him," Lee whispered. "And he does not think that someone could love him." He swallowed, and his fingers tightened on the fabric. "I kissed him," Lee admitted quietly. "He said that it was okay. But I do not know if he said that because he wanted it, or if it was because he thought I would leave if he said no."

"I see," Gai replied quietly. He was silent a moment, mulling over those words. Something bad happened to him. Gai wondered, but he didn't ask; he sensed it was a deeply personal subject. But the mere fact that Gaara had told Lee about that incident, whatever it was, suggested a certain level of trust and intimacy. He remembered the sight of Gaara in Lee's arms, nestled against his chest, looking as if there was nowhere in the world he wanted to be more.

Gai rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I can't say for sure, since I don't know him as well as you do. But just watching him with you...it seems to me that he feels the same way. Still, taking things slowly would be wise."

"You think so?" Lee asked, looking at Gai hopefully. If Gai had seen it- but then, he'd walked in on Gaara curled up in Lee's arms. And there weren't many ways to interpret that... though it was Gaara. He couldn't decide if that made it mean more, because Gaara had never been hugged before Lee, or if it meant less, because Gaara thought of things like that differently. Lee worried it over for a minute or two longer, then realized that Gai was still sitting there, watching him. Lee flushed again.

"I want him to. I mean- it would be nice if... but even if he wanted to be only friends, that would be enough." The words slowly trailed off. Talking about this meant implying that there was a future for him and Gaara... which meant that there was a future for him at all. Normally Lee didn't let himself think that way, but their conversation still echoed in his mind. "He told me that I should get the surgery," Lee said quietly.

Gai's heartbeat quickened. A fifty percent chance of success, Dr. Tsunade had said. And if it failed...

No. It wouldn't fail. It couldn't.

Gai smiled. "It will be wonderful to be able to play soccer again, won't it? And Tsunade is a brilliant doctor. You'll be in capable hands." His smile faded slightly when he looked into Lee's eyes. Lee was trying to hide it, but Gai could see the stark fear in those eyes. He wrapped an arm around Lee's shoulders and gave him a gentle hug. "Everything will be fine."

Lee leaned into the touch, eyes slipping closed. "I am afraid," he admitted quietly. "I know that I have to have faith that it will work, but I cannot stop thinking about what will happen if it does not."

Gai's heart ached. He wished he could find some way to reassure Lee...but the truth was, Gai was just as terrified. Losing Lee was unthinkable. But he knew that no matter how strongly he pushed himself to believe, there was still a possibility that the surgery would fail.

Still, doubt and hesitation would do Lee no good at this point. He couldn't go on living like this, in terrible pain, unable to do the things he loved. They both knew what needed to be done. "It's understandable to be afraid," Gai said gently. "You'd have to be inhuman not to feel fear. But the surgery will succeed. I truly believe that. Because you want it to succeed with every fiber of your being." He squeezed Lee's shoulders with his arm. "I believe your strength and your desire to live will carry you through. And when it's over, I'll be there...and so will he."

Lee leaned on Gai for a moment longer, then sat up straight, looking at his foster father. "You are right," he said. "Everything will be fine. It has to be."

Still... there was a part of Lee, deep down, that couldn't fully believe in that. He did his best to hide it behind a nervous smile and fumbled for his crutch. "I will help you make dinner," he said. "And in the morning, I will call Dr. Tsunade and let her know that I have decided to have the surgery."

* * *

Hours slipped by. Gaara watched the sun set from the highest point he could find in the city, watching as the sky tinged pink and orange. It was different from the sunset in Suna, and he leaned back against his car as the light faded and coldness set in. That, too, was different- the cold was less vivid than he was accustomed to. Altogether, Konoha seemed to be a softer place.

He'd left under the guise of getting something to eat, but all he'd done was smoke cigarette after cigarette as he watched the sky. Somewhere underneath the constant ache in his chest was now something calm and solid, and for the first time he didn't think about all the different ways in which he could leave. When the pack came up empty he slid back into his car and returned to Gai's house by memory.

He wasn't surprised when the door opened before he could knock on it. "I told you that I'd come back," he said. "What did Gai want?"

Lee exhaled a soft breath of relief at the sight of Gaara standing there, red hair wind-mussed, green eyes guarded and blank as ever. Of course, he'd known that Gaara was coming back. He'd told himself he was being silly. But still, he hadn't been able to shake the fear that Gaara had driven off for good...that he would go back home, disappear from Lee's life. Silly, he thought.

"Nothing much," Lee said. "He just wanted to talk to me about a few things. But everything is fine." He gave Gaara a bright smile, but it was more than a bit forced. Even if he'd made the decision to go through with the surgery, his insides were still tangled in knots. "Did you get something to eat?"

Gaara shrugged and slipped past Lee to get inside. "I watched the sunset," he answered, tilting his head back slightly to watch Lee's eyes as he spoke. There was something comforting about the warmth there- it'd been in Lee's voice every time they'd talked, but it was different to see it so clearly reflected there. "Do you know when her office opens?"

The sunset. He wouldn't have imagined Gaara doing something like that...but now, he could picture it clearly. It occurred to him that he would like to watch the sunset with Gaara sometime. He thought about saying as much...but Gaara's next words distracted him. "Um..." His teeth worried at his lower lip. "Six o'clock, I think." His voice emerged soft and subdued. His grip tightened on his crutch. Then he forced another smile. "I will give her a call tomorrow morning."

Gaara looked at him silently for a long time, then nodded. "I'll stay until the surgery is finished, then." He had no doubt that Lee would be Tsunade's first priority- Baki had made certain of that. "Did you tell him?"

"Yes," Lee replied quietly. "He is certain the surgery will succeed." He hesitated, teeth tugging at his lower lip again. "I want to be certain, too. But..." He lowered his gaze, then took a deep breath. He needed to stop doubting, needed to be stronger. "It will succeed," he said firmly. He realized his legs were trembling. "I-I think I need to sit down," he murmured.

Gaara's eyes narrowed at the tremor in Lee's voice. Without comment he headed into the living room and stared at Lee until he followed, shakily lowering himself onto the couch. "You're impossible to deal with," Gaara stated, more than a touch of annoyance in the words. His arms crossed over his chest. "If you shouldn't stand that long, then don't. It's not difficult."

Lee smiled weakly. "I do not like to worry people. It is not that bad, anyway." His lower back throbbed, small hot twinges dancing up his spine. "I will be fine."

"You worry them anyway," Gaara bluntly stated. "And you're obviously not fine." He shifted uneasily, still staring at Lee as if looking at him long enough would make everything fall into place in a way that made sense. "Where are your painkillers?"

Lee leaned back against the couch. His breathing had grown ragged and labored, and sweat beaded on his brow. "In my room," he murmured. "But I am fine, really. I do not like to overdo it on painkillers. They make my head cloudy. I think I just need to lie down in bed for awhile."

"You shouldn't move yet." Gaara watched him for a moment longer as Lee's face twisted, then turned on his heel and walked out of the room. He was back moments later, roughly shoving the half-empty orange bottle into Lee's hand. "Here."

Lee stared at the bottle for a moment. He never liked taking pills, even when it was perfectly reasonable to do so and utterly insane not to. A part of him had always seen the pain as a challenge to overcome, something that would ultimately make him stronger...but then, it was plenty bad even with the pills, and trying to face that pain day after day had worn him down to nothing. He unscrewed the cap and dry-swallowed two of the white tablets. They passed down his throat with a slight flutter. "Thank you," he said quietly.

Gaara nodded sharply. The tension in his chest still wasn't gone, but it'd eased when Lee had actually taken the pills instead of pushing then aside. He watched Lee for a moment longer, arms still crossed over his chest, then perched on the edge of the low wooden coffee table in front of the couch. "Is it always this bad?"

"Sometimes," Lee murmured. And sometimes it was worse. But there was no point in worrying Gaara needlessly. "I am used to it, though." He gave another strained smile. "And once Dr. Tsunade fixes me, everything will be fine."

"There's no guarantee that it'll work." Gaara looked away, not wanting to see Lee's reaction. "There's a fifty percent chance that you'll die."

Lee's breath hitched, and his hands tightened into fists. "I know," he whispered. He stared at the floor, his chest aching. His heart was beating too quickly. "But...I cannot let myself think like that. Being afraid will not help anything. I must believe that it will succeed." His throat tightened. "I cannot bear the thought of leaving you."

Gaara's lips tightened slightly, but he said nothing- even though he wanted to, craved to tell Lee that it wasn't that simple, that he needed to be careful, that life didn't work like that. Instead, he pushed himself to his feet and nodded at Lee. "If you can walk, you should go lay down."

Lee nodded and rose to his feet, his legs still trembling. He tucked the crutch under one arm and hobbled toward the bedroom. Despite the pills in his system, jolts of pain still shot up his spine with each step. He eased himself down onto the bed, breathing heavily, and lay motionless, eyes closed, waiting for his heartbeat to slow. Even with his eyes shut, he could sense Gaara nearby. "I am sorry I am like this," he whispered. Tears stung behind his lids. "I do not mean to cause you any worry…"

"Stop apologizing," Gaara said roughly. The mattress dipped slightly as he sat on the edge, staring down at Lee. "I worry about you because you're stupid and reckless and stubborn and refuse to take proper care of yourself. Not because you're injured."

A faint smile twitched at the corners of Lee's mouth. "Then I will try to take better care of myself." A burning knot of pain still throbbed in his lower back. A tear leaked from the outer corner of his eye and slid down his temple.

"It's not a matter of trying," Gaara said. There was a hint of sharpness to his tone, but the sweep of his thumb over the tear-track was gentle and smooth. "Don't do stupid things. It's not difficult."

Lee's breath caught at the brush of Gaara's thumb against his skin. "Okay," he whispered. For a moment, he just lay there, eyes closed. "May I..." His teeth caught his lower lip. After a moment, he started again, softly. "May I hold your hand?"

Gaara had no illusions that Lee's agreement would actually change anything in his behavior. Something in his flat expression changed, though, at Lee's request. He stared at where his fingers lay against Lee's face, then pulled them back. "I didn't realize I was doing that," he murmured.

A flush crept into Lee's cheeks. He looked up at Gaara for a moment, then lowered his gaze shyly. He didn't repeat his request. He didn't want to pressure Gaara into anything, even something as simple as hand-holding. Just being close to him, he thought, was enough.

Gaara watched him for a moment longer, studying the flickers of expression over Lee's face- then stood, moving toward the door. He flicked the switch and darkness filled the room, interrupted only by slivers of light shining through the blinds from the streetlight outside. He moved to the other side of the bed, where there was more room, and sat down. He leaned until his back fetched against the headboard and pulled his legs up against his chest. "That's better."

He glanced over at Lee, seeking his eyes through the darkness. "This is how I usually am when we talk," he said.

"Oh," Lee said softly. In the dim light, he could just make out the soft, pale curve of Gaara's cheek, a glint of reflected light in one green eye. It felt strangely intimate, lying there next to him in darkness...and strangely natural, as well. At that thought, heat rushed to his cheeks again. He wondered if Gaara could see it.

"I've gotten used to talking to you," Gaara said. He looked away, toward the window. "I missed it. When we weren't talking- I missed it." Even though he'd been the cause of it.

Lee moistened dry lips with the tip of his tongue. His heart was beating too fast. Being here in bed with Gaara was-he wasn't sure what it was, but it stirred thoughts of things he really shouldn't think about. Of what it might be like to...

He suppressed those thoughts before they could fully form. "I missed it too," he whispered. "I always like it. Talking to you, that is." He hesitated, reached out, and lightly, very lightly touched the back of Gaara's hand with his fingertips. The skin was soft, warm. Smooth. He held his breath, waiting to see if Gaara would pull away or allow that small contact. "I am glad I met you."

Gaara looked down. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust enough to see Lee's fingers over his skin, but he didn't move to pull away. If he was honest with himself, he didn't want to. "I don't know why you say things like that," he murmured.

"It is true," Lee whispered. Slowly-very slowly-his fingers curled around Gaara's. "Talking to you helps. Just being with you helps." His eyelids felt heavy, and his thoughts seemed to be wrapped in soft gray cotton. Maybe it was the pain pills. He smiled drowsily at Gaara in the darkness. "You are my friend, after all."

Gaara said nothing, but his fingers tightened slightly around Lee's in response. For a long time he was silent, studying the half-moon curve of Lee's lashes against his cheeks. "You should sleep," he finally murmured.

Lee knew he should follow Gaara's advice. He could already feel his thoughts slipping away into darkness. But still he clung to consciousness. A part of him was afraid that if he drifted off, Gaara would be gone when he woke. That this fragile bond, this tentative trust Gaara had placed in him, would disappear. "Stay with me?" he whispered.

Gaara was silent for a long time. He wondered if Lee realized what he was truly asking with that. If he knew what it meant, to ask Gaara to stay. But this was Lee, and somehow it didn't seem strange at all for him to ask everything from Gaara in a sleepy murmur. "I'll stay," he finally whispered.

"Thank you," Lee whispered back. He surrendered to sleep, still clinging to Gaara's hand.

To be continued


	9. Chapter 9

The days before the surgery crept by, and with each one that passed, the knot in Lee's stomach grew tighter. He tried to act normal, tried to smile for Gai and Gaara, to hide how absolutely terrified he was. But he knew they saw it.

Then he marked off the last day on his calendar and paused, staring at the empty box that represented tomorrow. The surgery was tomorrow morning. Lee sat on the edge of his bed, feeling numb. He knew he should not be thinking that tonight might be his last night on Earth. He knew he needed to stay positive. But he couldn't help thinking it.

He sat for a moment longer, staring into space. His heartbeats echoed in his ears like a ticking clock. His breathing quickened, and his vision blurred as dizziness washed over him. Sweat trickled down his sides.

Finally he rose, tucked his crutch under one arm, and hobbled out of the room. He needed to get outside. The walls of the house seemed to be closing in on him.

He went through the door in the kitchen, onto the back porch. The air was cool, the sky clear, painted with the soft purples and blues of twilight. He sat on the porch swing and stared at the backyard, gripping his crutch tightly as he focused on breathing.

Minutes slipped by, tracked only by the stir of Lee's breath and the faint touch of summer breeze making the chimes Gai had hung years ago sound overhead. Eventually the door scraped open, then the wood of the swing creaked as Gaara sat down. "You weren't in your room."

"I hope I did not worry you." Lee forced a tiny smile. "I just needed some fresh air." He looked up at the sky, which was almost dark. His hands shook. No matter how he willed them to stop, they just kept trembling. A part of him was grateful that Gaara had found him-he didn't want to be alone, not now-but another part of him didn't want Gaara to see him like this. It would probably just make him worry more. "You can see the stars tonight. They are pretty, are they not?"

Gaara's gaze stayed fixed on Lee, studying dark eyes- then he tipped his head back, looking up through the slats of wood overhead. They were thin enough that he could make out the majority of constellations through them, bright and shining against a sky every bit as inky as Lee's eyes. "They are," he agreed finally. After a moment, he looked back at Lee. "Is that why you came out here?"

Lee nodded. "I wanted to see the stars. And...just to be under the sky. I feel like I have been spending too much time in my room lately." He forced another smile, then lowered his gaze. His crutch rested against the porch railing. His hands, fisted in his lap, clenched tighter.

"Mm." Gaara watched him for a moment longer, then drew his knees up against his chest in a gesture that had become familiar by now. "Nine hours."

Lee's breath hitched, and he flinched. "I..." He gulped. He wanted to say that there was nothing to worry about, that the surgery would succeed. He wanted to give Gaara a brave, bright smile and a thumbs up, to tell him that everything would be all right.

He couldn't.

A tear rolled down Lee's cheek and dripped to the porch. "I am scared, Gaara," he whispered.

"There's a fifty percent chance that you'll live," Gaara said, a hint of something in his voice. He set his chin over his knees. "It's better than it could be," he eventually added.

"Yes." A faint smile touched Lee's lips, though tears were still rolling down his cheeks. "Fifty percent is not bad, is it? Still, I-" A lump rose into his throat, cutting off his voice. "I know it is silly," he whispered. "But I keep wondering why all this is happening to me. If there is some reason...or if it is just how things are." He looked up at the sky and wiped the back of one hand across his eyes. "I am used to beating the odds...having to work harder than most people. But something like this...it does not matter how hard I try. I cannot change it. No matter what I do, it is still fifty-fifty. And that is what scares me so much."

"I don't think that there's a reason for it," Gaara said quietly. He glanced over at Lee briefly, then away. "You don't deserve this," he whispered. "Not you."

Lee looked at him, his eyes widening. "Thank you," he whispered back. He stared down at his feet for a moment, wondering what would happen to Gaara if Lee died. But he couldn't think that way. His hands squeezed into tight fists, nails pressing into his palms. "I do not want to be separated from you," he whispered. "I cannot bear the thought."

Gaara stared at him for a long time, trying to read Lee's thoughts in the slivers of moonlight illuminating his face. Something inside him still went tense and hard every time Lee said something like that, but it was different now. Tighter. More violent. "I hate that you're going to do this. That I can't do anything but let it happen." He looked away. "I didn't want this. I didn't want you."

Lee flinched at the words. _I didn't want you._ His shoulders hunched, and he stared blankly down at his hands.

Gaara could be cruel sometimes. But maybe that wasn't the right word...because it was never deliberate. He just said exactly what was on his mind without realizing what effect it might have on Lee-but somehow that made it even worse. He tried to tell himself that Gaara didn't mean it that way. But maybe he did. Maybe he regretted ever meeting Lee. Resented him, even. Maybe in the end, this would only hurt him more.

The tears came thicker and faster now, and he couldn't stop them. He dared not try to speak.

Cool hands brushed Lee's cheeks, touching the heated tracks of tears. When his eyes opened, pale green, washed out to near-white by the faint lighting, met them. Gaara's hands dropped. "I didn't," he repeated quietly. "And I shouldn't."

He wanted to leave it at that-wanted to somehow protect himself, now that the time he had left with Lee was measured in hours instead of days. But he wouldn't-because Lee deserved better than that. "It makes it worse," he whispered. "I wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready for you. But you were there, and I couldn't..." He drew in tighter on himself. "I don't want you to die," he whispered. "I don't. But that doesn't change anything."

Lee stared. Gaara was curled up beside him, knees against his chest, looking suddenly vulnerable and lost. On impulse, Lee wrapped his arms around him and pulled him closer.

He almost never touched Gaara-not without permission. He knew that Gaara still wasn't comfortable with touch, with closeness. But he needed this now, needed Gaara's warmth in his arms, the reassurance that he wasn't alone. And maybe Gaara needed it too. "It does," Lee whispered. "It makes a difference. If you want me to live, then I will hold onto that thought, even when I am unconscious. I will keep holding on." His arms tightened around Gaara. "I will come back to you."

Gaara knew better than that-that Lee's idealism wasn't reality. But that didn't stop him from leaning into the touch until his head was resting against Lee's shoulder. He buried his face in the loose fabric of Lee's shirt, inhaling the scent of the laundry soap Gai used layered over something that was purely Lee. "If I could keep you with me I would," he whispered.

At those words, Lee's heartbeat quickened. He buried his face against Gaara's soft hair, his tears falling into it, and hugged him tightly, savoring the feel of Gaara in his arms...then pulled back just enough to look into those pale green eyes. They seemed almost luminous in the faint starlight. Lee kissed the bruise-colored flesh at the corner of one eye and smiled through his tears. "After my back is fixed, we should do something fun together. Like go to a carnival or...anywhere, really." He touched Gaara's smooth, pale cheek. "Just as long as we are together."

Gaara looked at him silently, then leaned in. The press of his lips to Lee's was a brief moment of warmth, then his fingers were covering Lee's, holding them to his cheek as Gaara leaned into the touch. "You'll need time to heal," he murmured. "You won't be better overnight."

It was the closest he could come to acknowledging that Lee might live.

Lee blinked, dazed. He could still feel the warmth of Gaara's lips on his own. They tingled pleasantly. He licked them, tasting a hint of something clean and sweet. "I-yes," he murmured. His thoughts were still spinning. All it had taken was one brief, nearly chaste kiss to make him lose his capacity for coherent speech. "That...yes." He stared at his hand, which looked tanned against Gaara's white cheek. Such smooth skin. In the moon's soft glow, his hair was the deep, deep red of withered roses. "It will not happen overnight," he murmured, finding his voice at last. "But I recover quickly."

"You think you recover quickly," Gaara corrected him. There was a hint of amusement underneath the monotone of his voice.

Lee found himself smiling...a genuine smile, this time. "It is true! I used to get injured playing soccer once in awhile, and I recovered very quickly. It always surprised the doctors." His arms remained wrapped around Gaara, holding him close. Lee rested his cheek against Gaara's hair as his fingertips massaged the warm, velvety skin at the nape of Gaara's neck.

"Then you'll surprise them more by actually following their orders," Gaara replied. The amusement was gone, though, and he pulled back. His expression was blank. "If you live."

If you live. Lee winced. That went entirely beyond tactless. "Do you have to put everything so bluntly?" His smile had faded, though he kept his arms around Gaara. It seemed Gaara was not going to allow him the luxury of putting on a smile and pretending that he wasn't completely terrified. Lee buried his face against Gaara's hair and murmured, his voice soft, "I am very scared right now."

"You should be," Gaara whispered in return. He was vaguely aware that he'd started shaking, but knew that it had nothing to do with the cold. "We both should be."

Had it been Gai with him, Lee knew, he would have offered reassurances and smiles, would have told Lee that the surgery was certain to succeed, even though they would have both known in their hearts that it wasn't a guarantee.

Gaara, who had never had a friend, did not know how to offer reassurance. But there was something about his raw honesty that was strangely comforting. There was no need to pretend, no need to be brave. There was only the simple reality of the situation; that Lee might die tomorrow, and if he did, it would shatter Gaara. And when he allowed himself to fully confront that reality, to stop pushing it away and denying it, something tight within him relaxed.

Lee held Gaara close. A tear slipped down his face and into that red hair. "No matter what happens," he whispered, "I want you to keep living."

Gaara stayed silent and still, absorbing the words. "I wasn't before you," he whispered. "I was alive, but I wasn't living."

Lee's breath caught in his throat at those words, and his arms tightened protectively around Gaara. He felt himself trembling with the force of his emotion. "But it does not have to end with me," he whispered. "Even if I die...I want you to keep trying to live. There are others who care about you, and more who would care if they had the chance to meet you."

Gaara slowly tensed-then he pulled back, shrugging out of Lee's embrace. "I don't want someone else," he said, low and dark. "If you die- I won't. I can't."

"Gaara..." Lee stared at him, feeling helpless. "I-I know you feel that way now. But that is just because I am the first person you have ever been close to since...since what happened. There is a whole world filled with people. I am nothing special. Please...promise me that you will at least try. That you will not give up."

"No." The single word was jarringly harsh in the quiet intimacy of the night. "It was difficult enough to do this once. I won't do it again. Not for someone else." He stared at Lee, meeting his eyes through the darkness. "I wouldn't. Not for anyone but you. And I refuse to promise you that."

"Gaara..." Lee's throat knotted. He knew he couldn't force Gaara to promise him. But it broke his heart to think of Gaara alone, retreating back into his silent, enclosed world, shutting himself off from the rest of humanity. Or worse. And he wondered...why for him? Why was Gaara only willing to open his heart for Lee, and no one else?

His hands came up to frame Gaara's face, and Lee stared into those dark-ringed eyes. "I do not know what to do with you," he whispered.

Gaara stared at him as long as he could bear Lee's gaze, then his eyes slipped closed and he leaned forward, into Lee's hands. "If you were anyone else, I'd tell you not to do it," he whispered. "I want to tell you to forget it. To not go in the morning. To stay with me. But I can't."

He smiled, though his eyes were filled with tears. "Because you care about me," he whispered. "And when you care about someone, you put that person's happiness before your own." He leaned forward and softly kissed the tattoo on his forehead. "You are a kind person, Gaara."

A part of Lee wanted to stay with him, as well-to forget about the surgery. Wasn't it enough, just to be alive? Just to hold him and stay close to him?

But he knew it wouldn't be, that it wouldn't work. Not like this, with Lee in pain all the time. In the end, it would make both of them unhappy. In the end, there was no choice but to go through with it.

"I'm not kind," Gaara answered quietly. He knew it for truth-he'd never needed to be kind, and tonight showed that. His eyes opened, slits of green bordered by smoky black. "But I do care about you."

"That is enough, then," Lee said. He kissed Gaara's forehead again. Then he looked up at the clear night sky. "I know it is late," he said softly. "But will you stay out here with me awhile longer? I do not feel like going to bed just yet." He knew he should probably try to get some sleep that night, so he'd be rested and strong for the surgery tomorrow. But the sooner he went to sleep, the less time he'd have with Gaara.

"That's why I came out here," Gaara said. He curled up against Lee's side, hand slipping down to find Lee's. His thumb ran over scarred knuckles, then he linked their fingers together.

Lee wrapped an arm around him and rested his cheek against Gaara's hair. It helped, just being close to him-feeling his warmth, his heartbeat, breathing in his subtle, darkly sweet scent. "Thank you," he whispered.

* * *

Three hours. Gaara's knees were pulled up against his chest, sneakers resting against the hard plastic of the waiting room chair, arms wrapped tightly around his legs. It'd been three hours. He glanced over at the clock, hoping that it'd have changed, but only a minute had passed since his last glance. He looked back down. The IEMs fit snugly in his ears, turned up far louder than he normally had them in an attempt to drown out his thoughts, but it didn't do any good. He'd cycled through every type of music he had, but none of it served any purpose other than to count out the seconds in bassline thumps.

He stood suddenly, shoving his hand in his pocket, and covered the distance to the cordoned off area outside with quick, nervous strides. The momentary relief from the antiseptic smell of the hospital was quickly replaced by tobacco as Gaara lit yet another cigarette with trembling hands. Lee was still alive. Maybe. He wondered how long it'd take them to tell them if he'd died, if Lee's body could be cooling with every drag he pulled in, crumbling away like ashes falling from the tip of his cigarette. None of the relief he associated with nicotine flooded his veins, and halfway through he dropped the filter to the ground. He didn't bother grinding it underneath his heel. He was shaking when he walked back into the waiting room.

Gai sat with his hands on his knees, watching as the red-haired boy entered again. He moved with quick, jerky steps, tension etched into every line of his body. When they'd first arrived, Gai had said hello to him, but Gaara hadn't responded. Since then, they hadn't spoken a word to each other. The silence was becoming unbearable.

Gai cleared his throat softly. Gaara didn't look at him. "Gaara," he said. Green eyes turned toward him, but Gaara still didn't reply. Gai noticed the slight tremor in those thin, rigid shoulders. "Lee is strong," he said quietly. "He's going to pull through this. At any rate, pacing won't make the time go any faster." He offered a strained smile and patted the chair next to him. "Why don't you sit?"

"I'm not pacing," Gaara responded. He looked at Gai for a moment, but it was hard to get his eyes to focus completely on his face-there was a faint distance and glassiness in them. Rather than sitting beside Gai, he left one chair between them. It was closer than he'd been sitting before. He fiddled with his earbuds for a moment, thumbing the oddly-shaped silicone, but didn't put them in. "There's no guarantee he'll live. So don't pretend that there is." Gaara's voice was calm and oddly flat, in contrast to the tremor that remained in his hands.

"Believing makes a difference," Gai said. "It can help you beat the odds. Lee has shown me that time and again. At first, after the injury, the doctors didn't even think he'd be able to walk. But he proved them wrong. He has always pushed himself to exceed others' expectations. There's no way he will let something like this beat him. I'd bet my own life that he'll pull through this."

"It doesn't work like that." An edge of harshness lined the words. "You can't make the odds change just because you believe. It's just as likely as not that he'll die, so don't tell me that he's going to be fine. Lee might be naïve enough to believe in that, but I'm not."

Gai studied the boy's face for a moment. Gaara's eyes were downcast, his jaw tense, his breathing unsteady.

"You love him, don't you?" Gai asked, very quietly. All traces of a smile had vanished from his face. His expression was serious, almost cold. "If you love him, then believe in him." His fingers closed around Gaara's wrist and gripped tightly. "If there is even the slightest chance that your belief will help, that it will reach him somehow, then isn't it worth it?"

Gaara tensed, looking down at Gai's calloused fingers wrapped around his wrist. In comparison to Gai's hands, he looked delicate. Fragile. Frail. He tried to pull back from the contact, and when he couldn't, panic welled in his chest. His breath fell in quick, rapid pants, and his pupils contracted to small pinpoints, leaving his eyes an unreadable sea of green. "Stop. Touching me."

Gai heard the change in Gaara's breathing. He hesitated...then slowly uncurled his fingers from that thin wrist. But he kept talking, his voice low and rough: "You're only thinking about your own pain. Your own fear. What do you think it was like for him? Do you have any idea how much he suffered? He..." Gai stopped himself and took a deep breath, bringing his emotions under control. His hands trembled, and he balled them into tight fists. "It's easier not to have faith sometimes," he said, his voice very quiet. "It's easier not to believe. If you believe and have it taken away, it can crush you. Lee understood that...but he kept believing, anyway. We owe it to him to do that much, at least."

Gaara's panic eased slightly when Gai's fingers relaxed, but he could still see the marks of them on his skin, and his heart thudded rapidly in his chest. "Lee isn't _here_. He's in there. Nothing I do matters. I can't stop him from dying, I can't stop myself from caring if he dies, I can't do anything but sit here and stare at the clock and _wait_. So don't tell me that believing will magically make everything better. I know better than that."

"You're wrong," Gai said softly. "It _does _matter." He fell silent, his gaze downcast, his fingers clenched tight on the arms of the chair. The clock ticked, the only sound in the silence.

"I want to believe that he'll survive this." The words were quiet, thin, and Gaara didn't look over at him. "He promised that he wouldn't leave me. He promised that he'd always be there. He promised that it was safe, and that I could trust him." He fell silent for a moment, pulling his legs back up against his chest. "I could've stopped it. At any point I could've stopped it. I wouldn't have even had to tell him. But I didn't, because he needs this as much as I need him. "

Gai looked over at Gaara. He looked small and miserable, curled into a ball and hugging his knees. _I could've stopped it. _Gai wasn't sure what he meant by that. Gaara didn't really have that sort of power, did he? But then, it hardly mattered now.

Gai's gaze drifted to the marks on Gaara's wrist, and he winced. He hadn't realized he'd been gripping him that tightly. But then, his skin was so pale, so delicate-looking. Easy to bruise, even without trying. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Just don't touch me again," Gaara said. There was a hint of something underneath his normal monotone- a tinge of the panic that had filled his heart when Gai's iron grip had settled around his wrist. Being touched like that brought back far too memories, ones that he'd learned to survive by carefully never looking at. He glanced over at the clock, watching as the slender second hand crept over the smooth white face. "How much longer?"

"I don't know," Gai said quietly. "Dr. Tsunade said the surgery would take at least a few hours, but...these things are unpredictable." It had been more than three hours now. He wondered if that was a good sign or a bad sign. Gai's hands curled into tight fists as he stared into space. "He's going to be all right," he said, as much to himself as to Gaara. His stomach was a tight, hard knot.

He glanced over at Gaara again, who was looking in the other direction, his shoulders rigid with tension. Gai remembered the hint of panic he'd heard in that deep, quiet voice. He wondered who had hurt him.

Gaara didn't answer. He fit the IEMs back into place more as a dismissal than from any desire for distraction, not bothering to actually turn his mp3 player back on, and studied the tile. Specks of brown and white and a near-pinkish beige stood out against the egg white background. He made some attempt to focus on them, but his gaze constantly strayed to the clock. Eventually he gave up on the pretense of distraction, staring directly at the clock with half-focused eyes.

He wondered, again, if Lee was already dead. How long it'd take them to come in and tell them. He questioned it with every second that passed, tension settling into his body in hard lines, his grip on the denim of his jeans tight enough that his knuckles were white.

To Be Continued


	10. Chapter 10

Gaara stood, arms crossed over his chest, staring through the window. Blinds covered the majority of it, but they were open enough that he could see through them to the man sitting beside the bed- head bowed, hands loosely clasped together, hair falling down to cover his eyes. The figure on the bed was small and silent, unmoving beneath the white sheet.

His eyes flickered up, tracing the flutter of Lee's heartbeat over the monitor as he'd felt it beneath his palm. He tracked it even as he felt the air stir behind him, and golden eyes reflected back at him through the polished glass.

"He should make a full recovery."

Gaara nodded, not looking away. "You'll continue as his physician."

He felt more than saw the way the woman tensed, then she huffed out a breath that was as tired as it was annoyed. "I'm a surgeon. I can recommend someone who focuses on rehabilitation-"

"No." The single, harsh word cut her off, and Gaara finally looked away from Lee. Calm, cold green eyes met furious gold. "You're the best."

Minutes slipped past, neither willing to look away- then Tsunade finally snorted, amusement leaking in over the tired frustration. "And if I say no my schedule will mysteriously clear itself again, is that it?"

Gaara shrugged, loose and boneless. He barely heard the woman leave- his eyes were only for Lee.

After almost an hour at Lee's side, Gai emerged from the small white room. He paused, his hand still on the doorknob, and glanced at Gaara, who was leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. Gai smiled, his expression weary but filled with relief. "You can see him now." He nodded toward the motionless form under the sheets. Lee was still unconscious, but the beep of the heart monitor remained steady and strong.

Gaara's expression didn't change at Gai's words, but he nodded slightly and stepped past the man. He didn't hesitate, pulling the chair closer to the bed with a scrape of wooden legs over tile, then sat down in it.

Lee was alive. He'd known it intellectually, but hadn't truly believed it before now- watching his heartbeat was different from seeing the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Gaara's fingertips touched briefly to Lee's jaw, then fell until they rested against his neck.

For a long moment, Lee remained motionless, his soft breathing echoing through the silence. Then his eyelids flickered open, revealing sleepy dark eyes. A tiny furrow appeared between his thick brows. "Gaara?" he murmured. Heavy-lidded eyes blinked. "Is it...is it over?"

Gaara's exhale was slow and unsteady, but he nodded. "She said you'll be fine," Gaara murmured. "It worked."

A drowsy smile spread across Lee's face. "I am glad." His eyes slipped shut. "So tired..." His breathing slowed. He lifted one arm-though it trembled with the effort-and reached out, fumbling, for Gaara's hand.

"Don't do that," Gaara said sharply. "You're not supposed to move."

Tsunade hadn't said anything about it, but it seemed like something that someone who had just had major surgery shouldn't do. Despite that, he didn't pull back- instead he wrapped his fingers around Lee's and squeezed.

Lee squeezed back. A faint smile twitched across his lips, and his eyes opened a crack. He peered up at Gaara through a veil of dark lashes. "You see?" he murmured. "Everything is all right."

"You're an idiot," Gaara responded. There was no heat to the words, though, and he held onto Lee's hand tighter. He felt all too aware of how easily he could've lost this. It'd have been as simple as the coin coming up tails instead of heads. He knew that he was gripping too tight, shaking as he stared at Lee, but none of it seemed to matter. "You're not doing something like that again," he ordered, low and fierce.

"Do not worry." Lee ran his thumb gently over Gaara's whitened knuckles. "I do not think I will need to do it again." His eyes slipped shut, and he yawned. He seemed to be struggling to hold onto consciousness.

Gaara nodded mutely, clinging to Lee's hand. When he yawned again Gaara finally loosened his grip. "I should tell them you woke up," he said.

Despite that, he made no move toward the door.

"Stay," Lee murmured. His hand tightened on Gaara's. "Please?"

"I already told you I would," Gaara said quietly.

Lee relaxed. His expression smoothed out as he drifted off, still clutching Gaara's hand.

* * *

It'd taken a bit more than a week for Lee to finally be okayed to return home, though as Gaara had expected, Lee had impatiently insisted that he was fine. Even with the necessary recovery from the surgery, it'd been obvious after only a few days that his pain was lessening, a fact that had Gaara both relieved and strangely tense. His remembered fears about Lee leaving in the aftermath of his surgery had started to surface again in response, edged by the memory of how he'd felt sitting in that waiting room, when losing Lee was something that could happen at any second.

They also hadn't discussed Gaara's continued presence in Konoha, though he knew it was a topic that would have to come up at some point. It was nearing three weeks that he'd been in Konoha. Temari's calls had started to become more frequent, and he'd finally turned his phone off in response. Gaara finished pouring the glass of water, then glanced over his shoulder at Lee- who had been unable to stay sitting long enough for something so simple. "You're supposed to be resting," Gaara reminded him, and handed the glass to him.

Lee accepted the glass. "I am fine," he said, impatience creeping into his voice.

Gaara gave him a Look. Lee sighed and sank into one of the kitchen chairs, wincing at the twinge in his back. His crutch leaned against the table nearby. He desperately wanted to just throw the thing away and never look at it again-it reminded him too much of the time before his surgery-but he knew it would be awhile before he could really, truly walk on his own. Gaara, Gai and Dr. Tsunade had all warned him repeatedly not to overdo it. It seemed like every time he so much as moved a finger, someone scolded him.

Lee sipped the water. "I really do think I am almost recovered," he said brightly. "I have not felt this good since before the accident."

"You aren't. She said five weeks minimum for the brace, then physical therapy after that. If you start doing pushups or something equally stupid, it'll take longer. So don't." He was fairly certain that despite the warning Lee would continue to do foolish things. Lee's desire to push himself was so strong that at times it seemed he needed someone to watch him constantly just to make certain he wouldn't hurt himself.

Lee sighed, his shoulders sagging. He knew Gaara was right, but that didn't make it any easier.

He finished off his glass of water, then set it on the table and looked up at Gaara. "I have been wondering...are your brother and sister all right with you staying here this long?" Gaara never seemed to talk on the phone with his siblings-and he'd been staying at Lee's house for awhile. Of course, Lee wanted him to stay as long as possible, but he didn't want Gaara's family to be worried either.

Gaara tensed subtly, arms crossing over his chest as he stared at Lee. He wondered if there was more behind the words than Lee's usually-honest expression showed. "It doesn't matter if they are," he finally said.

A small furrow appeared between Lee's brows. "But they are your family," he said. "It is important to stay in touch. And they probably miss you." It occurred to him that the remark might be taken the wrong way. He reached out and took Gaara's hand gently in both of his. "I am fine with you staying here longer, and so is Gai..." He was pretty sure about Gai, anyway. "I just want to make sure everything is all right with them."

Gaara looked down at Lee's hands, easily hiding his. Lee reached out to him so easily- so naturally, when he'd spent years before without even the briefest of touches. "We're not like that," he said. "If anything, they're probably relieved."

The furrow between Lee's brows deepened. He looked down at Gaara's hands in his, and his fingers tightened around them. "I do not know everything that went on between you and your siblings. I cannot pretend to understand. But I know I have heard your phone ringing a lot lately. I think they are trying to get in touch with you. If they truly did not care, I do not think they would do that."

Gaara pulled his hands away, stepping back from Lee. "You're right," he said tonelessly. "You don't understand." He looked away. "They're afraid of me."

"Afraid?" Lee blinked. He wanted to reach out to Gaara, but something stopped him; something brittle and guarded in Gaara's expression. He could feel the tension humming through him. "Why would they be afraid of you?"

Gaara's expression calmed into the blank mask he normally wore, and he met Lee's gaze. "I told you that Yashamaru tried to kill me when I was six." He managed to keep his voice calm and still over the words, but vulnerability flickered in his eyes. "The part I didn't tell you is that I did kill him."

Lee's eyes widened. For a moment, he couldn't speak. He just stared at Gaara as the words sunk in.

Then a single, breathless word escaped his lips as a whisper: "How?"

Gaara's lips tightened slightly and his arms crossed protectively over his chest. The memories tried to well up in his mind, but he forced them back. "I shot him." It was simple, calm, and dry, but it was the first time he'd actually voiced it.

Lee took a slow, deep breath. His heart was beating quickly, his mouth dry.

Six years old, he thought. At that vulnerable age, Gaara had endured more horror than most people would in their whole lives.

On impulse, Lee stood, reached out and took his hands again. "You were just a child," he said softly. "You were scared and confused and hurt. And he had just tried to kill you." His hands tightened on Gaara's. Then he pulled Gaara gently into his arms and hugged him tight. Tears stung his eyes as he ran his fingers through that soft red hair. "No one could blame you for what you did."

Gaara pulled in a deep, shaky breath- then all of the tension fled his body and he sank into Lee's arms. He trembled there, hands fisting in Lee's shirt, pulling in gulps of breath. "They did," he whispered. "I killed their mother, then their uncle. They were terrified. More than that- they hated me."

He hid his face against Lee's neck, not wanting to see his face... and the forgiveness there. Not even that- the complete lack of blame in the first place.

Lee gently rocked Gaara back and forth, stroking his hair. He could feel his heart pounding, hear the shuddery little gulps of his breaths. "It is not your fault," Lee whispered into his ear. "None of it is. Your mother's death was not your fault, and neither was Yashamaru's." Gently, he framed Gaara's face between his hands and lifted it so he could look into those green eyes. Then he placed a gentle kiss on Gaara's forehead, his lips resting against the tattoo for a moment. "It is all right," he whispered. He kissed the bruise-dark corner of one eye, tasting the salt of tears.

Gaara trembled, eyes slipping shut so that he didn't have to see Lee looking at him. "You don't understand," he whispered. "I killed him. And it wasn't because he tried to kill me."

He remembered the way Yashamaru had looked at him, how his hand had wavered, the whiskey-slickness on his lips coating words of hatred. "I thought he loved me," he whispered. "Even if no one else did."

Lee's hands trembled slightly. He tried to imagine the pain Gaara must have endured in that moment, but it was too much to comprehend. To trust in only one person, then to have that person turn against him and shatter that trust... "It was not your fault," he repeated firmly. "You were just a child." And-a small, dark part of Lee whispered-Yashamaru deserved death for what he'd done to Gaara. Lee couldn't remember ever having such a thought about another person before. But for a man to try to kill a child who trusted him, and for such a senseless reason...

Warm, callused fingertips stroked Gaara's soft cheeks. "I am so sorry," he whispered.

"Part of me thinks you'll do the same thing," Gaara whispered. His eyes slowly opened, and he looked up at Lee. "I don't know what it means that the thought of you dying scared me more."

"I would never betray you like that. Never." Lee cradled Gaara's face between his hands, looking deep into his eyes. His thumb brushed away a tear. Then he hugged Gaara close, ignoring the flare of pain in his back. If he couldn't make Gaara understand his feelings through words, he would show him through touch. One hand slid up to the nape of Gaara's neck and rubbed the warm, velvet-soft skin there. "I love you," Lee whispered into his ear.

Gaara shuddered. He couldn't look away- couldn't turn from the warmth and gentleness that Lee offered so freely. "I will never understand you," he whispered brokenly.

"I am not sure I will ever understand you either. Not completely. But you do not have to understand someone to love him." He dropped a soft kiss on the top of Gaara's head. His back throbbed dully. He ignored it.

Gaara drew an unsteady breath and nodded, face rubbing against Lee's shirt. He hesitantly slipped his arms around Lee. The hardness of the brace underneath was unfamiliar, but Lee was less so. He listened to the steady rhythm of Lee's heartbeat, shaking as he tried to match his breath to it. "I'm glad that you lived," he whispered.

To Be Continued


End file.
